Sometimes, not giving feedback is selfish.
We avoid it for two main reasons:
- We want to be liked.
- We fear confrontation.
Both are natural, but they’re also self-centered.
By holding back, we deny the other person a chance to grow. We think we’re sparing them, but really, we’re protecting ourselves.
I used to do this all the time early in my career. I withheld feedback, afraid of being disliked, or gave it only to boost my team’s performance, which ultimately served my interests. Neither approach worked.
Here’s what I’ve learned: feedback, when done right, is an act of care.
Give it regularly. Make it constructive—something they can actually use to improve.
Consider both dimensions:
- Rational: Be specific. Give it promptly. Offer clear suggestions for improvement.
- Emotional: Come from a place of genuine care. Don’t see the person as a problem to be fixed, but as someone worth investing in.
When feedback is both clear and compassionate, people will be more open to it.
It’s normal for it to feel awkward, especially when you’re new to leadership.
But if you’re not uncomfortable, you’re not leading.
Try it out, and let me know how it goes.