Creating Long-Term Behavioral Change – What’s The Secret?

Remember your New Year’s resolutions? How’s that going?

If yours are barely hanging on, you’re not alone — less than 10% of us keep them alive.

Harvard’s Kegan and Lahey’s groundbreaking book “Immunity to Change”, shows us why.

In a nutshell – we have ‘hidden commitments’ (subconscious promises) to ourselves, that conflict with our best intentions to change.

These deeply influence our actions.

Kegan and Lahey’s work shows how we unknowingly shield ourselves from change with our hidden commitments and fears, despite our efforts to evolve.

Without realizing this, long lasting change is almost impossible.

Take delegation, for example.

On the surface, it seems straightforward: you’re swamped with work and need to offload some tasks to your team.

However, despite your best intentions, you find yourself hesitating to delegate.

The Immunity to Change framework might reveal a hidden commitment to always being the one who solves problems.

Perhaps it’s driven by an underlying assumption that if you’re not the one fixing things, your value as a leader diminishes.

Another common workplace scenario is receiving feedback.

You know it’s essential for growth, yet each time feedback is offered, you defensively justify your actions or dismiss the suggestions.

This resistance could come from a conflicting hidden commitment to maintaining your self-image as competent and perfect.

Strengthened by the assumption that any criticism is a threat to your identity.

How to solve this? Visualize these internal dynamics, with an Immunity to Change-map.

It always consists of the same 4 columns:

1. 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝗮𝗶𝗺 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 (e.g., be a better listener),
2. 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘂𝗽 𝗱𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗱 (dismiss differing opinions),
3. 𝗢𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗶𝗱𝗱𝗲𝗻 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝗶𝘁𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 (only valuing aligned views),
4. 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝘀𝘀𝘂𝗺𝗽𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀 𝗳𝘂𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝘀𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝗶𝘁𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 (believing I’m always right).

Our visible commitments (what we aim to do) and our hidden commitments conflict with each other.

By mapping this out, we can actually see why we are sabotaging our intentions to change.

Acknowledging these hidden commitments and the assumptions fueling them is the first step.

Next, challenge these beliefs. Do they really serve you? Or do you merely serve them?

Personally, I tried to become a better listener (1).

And at the same time, when listening I focused mostly on verifying if their story matched my beliefs (2), which blocks actual listening.

My hidden, subconscious, commitment to myself, was to only listen to opinions I agree with (3).

The hidden (and 𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘸𝘦𝘥) assumption: I know what’s right (4).

Mapping out your Immunity-to-Change map can lead to breakthroughs and transformational growth.

It works both for individuals, teams and organisations.

Ready to see what’s really holding you back? Message me to start mapping your route to real change.

How To Have Effective 1:1’s With Your Team Members

Remember those 30-minute one-on-one meetings that felt more like a cozy chat than a productive meeting? We laughed, we talked, but often missed the key points.

It turns out, most managers, myself included, learned to conduct effective 1:1s more through slow experience than quick training.

Good 1:1s meet both the work and personal needs of your team.

Here’s how to make yours better:

1. 𝗖𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸-𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝗻 𝘄𝗲𝗹𝗹-𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴: Be genuinely curious and caring about how your direct reports are doing. Example questions: “How did you feel this week?” “What was your best moment?” “How has your week been?”

2. 𝗨𝘀𝗲 𝗮 𝘁𝗼𝗼𝗹 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝟭:𝟭𝘀: Tools like Asana, Jira, or even Google Sheets are great to track your meetings. Both you and your team member should add updates and agenda points, and review those, before the meeting.

3. 𝗞𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗮 𝗿𝗲𝗴𝘂𝗹𝗮𝗿 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁: Follow a set agenda. Cover open topics, action items, blockers, questions and successes. Save your valuable meeting time for discussion – you can share regular updates through the online tool.

4. 𝗣𝘂𝗻𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗺𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿𝘀: Starting on time and avoiding cancellations shows respect. It signals to your team you value their time.

5. 𝗙𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝘂𝗽: If you promise to take an action, update your team on the progress. It’s a great way to build trust. Ask the same from your team.

6. 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗳 𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴: For leaders, information is gold. The leader that listens well has a big advantage. Listening also makes your team feel heard and cared about. (We all overestimate our ability to listen.)

7. 𝗔𝘀𝗸 𝗿𝗲𝗳𝗹𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗾𝘂𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀: Encourage them to think and reflect about their week. Ask about highlights and challenges. Instead of giving your ideal solution right away, ask them what they think first. This supports growth and learning.

Using these tips, you can turn 1:1s from simple chats into powerful tools for growth and success.

What Problems And Questions From My Team Should I Take On – And What Not?

Who else has felt the overwhelming urge to solve every problem that lands on their desk?

It’s a common trap for new managers, feeling like you need to be the hero.

Imagine walking around with a big backpack. 🎒

Every time your team comes to you with a problem, you have a choice – do you accept the problem and add it to your backpack, or not?

Put too much in your backpack, and you won’t be able to move anymore.

Great leadership isn’t about how many problems you can solve; it’s about how many problems you can teach your team to solve.

📌 Here’s a quick tip: Think of yourself as a guide rather than a fixer.

Next time a direct report comes to you with an issue, ask, “What part of this can you handle, and what do you need my help with? What solution have you considered?”.

This empowers them and helps you prioritize your own workload.

👉 If you’re unsure whether to take on a problem, consider if it aligns with your key responsibilities. If it doesn’t, it’s likely not yours to solve.

Coaching your team to handle challenges not only lightens your load but also builds their confidence and skills.

This fosters a culture of problem-solving, innovation, and ownership.

Lastly, at a later moment, check-in and reflect with your team around problems you asked them to solve themselves, to build trust and enhance learning.

Training, Mentoring And Coaching – When To Use What?

Let’s look at one tool from the leadership toolkit: training, mentoring and coaching your team. 🛠

Demystifying the use of 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗼𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴, and 𝗰𝗼𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴.

All three are essential skills for any manager.

Use the right skill at the right time to maximize your team’s development.

So, when to use what?

𝗧𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴: 𝗟𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗻𝗲𝘄 𝘀𝗸𝗶𝗹𝗹𝘀 🎓

Perfect for beginners, training is directive and instructional, focusing on knowledge transfer to lay a solid skill foundation. Usually short-term.

“𝘐𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘐’𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘟, 𝘠, 𝘡.”

✅ 𝘛𝘪𝘱: verify, in a supportive, non-controlling way, if the training was successful and the desired skills were learned.

𝗠𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗼𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴: 𝗥𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗴𝘂𝗶𝗱𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 🧭

Suited for mid-level to senior team members, mentoring offers guidance and wisdom from personal experience. Guide your team members on their professional journey. Longer term.

“𝘍𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘺 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦, 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦’𝘴 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘐 𝘵𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘭𝘦𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘢𝘳 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴. 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘨𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘥𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶?”

✅ 𝘛𝘪𝘱: the relationship is essential in mentoring – take a genuine interest in your mentee.

𝗖𝗼𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴: 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗿𝗼𝗳𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗴𝗿𝗼𝘄𝘁𝗵 🚀

Ideal for more senior team members, coaching is an equal partnership that promotes self-discovery and maximizes their potential. No advice or instructions are given.

Through questions, help your coachee discover what they want, and how they’ll get there. Only effective if coachee is motivated to be coached.

“𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘪𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘤𝘩𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮?”

✅ 𝘛𝘪𝘱: a good coach is a good listener – practice active listening and ask open-ended questions.

Every team member, regardless of their role or seniority, might find value in training, mentoring, or coaching, tailored to their unique needs at different times.

Which of the three did you benefit the most from in your career?