Progress, not Perfectionism

Dear fellow-perfectionists: it’s not a strength, it’s a way of seeking approval.

In job interviews, people often humblebrag about their biggest weakness being perfectionism. It sounds like a hidden strength, doesn’t it?

Only, it’s not.

We tell ourselves, “I care a lot about my work. When I do something, I want it done right!”.

But deep down, there is small voice saying, “If I don’t do everything perfectly, people won’t value me. I feel like my worth depends on how flawless my work is. I’m scared of making mistakes—what if they stop respecting or liking me?”.

It’s great to work hard and aim for high quality. Those are good things.

But when perfectionism takes over, it can lead to stress, anxiety and burnout. Research shows that perfectionism can actually make it harder to reach our goals.

As leaders, we might notice team members who push themselves too hard, striving for impossible standards. At first glance, we might think, “Great! This person delivers quality.” But in the long run, it’s not good for them or the team because it’s not sustainable.

We can help by encouraging them to focus on progress, not perfection, and by reminding them that mistakes are part of learning.

So, how to find the line between doing good work and falling into perfectionism?

  • Set high goals without making them impossible or taking over our lives.
  • Focus on making progress instead of being perfect.
  • Ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing really making my work better, or am I stuck on tiny details that don’t add much value?”.

As Tony Robbins says, “perfectionism is the lowest possible standard – because it’s impossible to attain”.

Mistakes are part of learning. They’re not signs that you’re not good enough but chances to grow and improve.

How to Deal With Fear

Why Does “The Cave You Fear Hold the Treasure You Seek”?

I recently discovered this quote by Joseph Campbell in one of Brené Brown’s inspiring books: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.“

While reading it, I felt a strong ‘YES’! Because it captures how I’ve been trying to live the past few years.

For much of my life, I was quite shy, insecure, introverted. I felt trapped in an invisible cage of my own making. My dark cave contained many things—speaking up in groups, starting conversations with strangers, facing rejection, saying no to social invitations, or choosing work that aligned with my dreams, to name a few. Actually, mine was more of a giant storage hall than a cave.

Then, one day, after a profound personal experience, I began to see fear for what it is—just a feeling, like any other. Nothing more.

Fear has its place; without it, we wouldn’t survive. But there’s a difference between fear that signals real danger and self-limiting fear that holds us back.

So, I decided to do something uncomfortable every day. And slowly, my comfort zone has been expanding.

The treasure I found? Freedom and connection.

I left the safety of my previous career to now spending my days doing what I love. I’ve connected with so many interesting people by initiating a conversation. I no longer feel bad about expressing my opinions, expressing my needs, or saying no to things that don’t serve me.

Sure, there are still things that make me uncomfortable. But I choose to face them, and it gets easier every time.

Here are the steps I took, which you can do:

  1. Identify Your Cave: List the things that scare you, but aren’t dangerous. These are your self-limiting fears.
  2. Take Small Steps: Start small. Say hello to someone new. Share an idea in a meeting.
  3. Embrace Discomfort: Discomfort is temporary and a sign of growth.
  4. Reflect on Progress: Keep track of your experiences, and see your comfort zone expand.

Now, reading my progress log makes me smile. Some years years ago, saying, “Siri, play next song,” in a public place was something I struggled with.

This week, I’ll be speaking about leadership at public event.

Fear is still there—but it’s no longer in charge.

More Digital Connection, Less Human Connection.

Have you also noticed that we’re constantly connected through social media, but still many people feel more disconnected than ever?  

Next week, the 𝘞𝘦𝘦𝘬 𝘈𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 𝘓𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 kicks off in the Netherlands, and it’s got me thinking about how many people, even in a bustling city like Amsterdam, feel disconnected. Did you know that 4 out of 10 adults in Amsterdam regularly experience loneliness? It’s a huge number, and yet it’s something many of us don’t talk about enough.

I’ve been lucky enough to be involved with two organizations that are trying to make a difference in their own ways—Humanitas and JCI.

Humanitas, a national nonprofit, is focused on supporting people through community service, and one of their main pillars is addressing loneliness. Their Van Mij Naar Wij (From Me, To We) project pairs volunteers with individuals seeking more connection, offering them much-needed companionship and support.

On the other hand, JCI (Junior Chamber International) is a global network of young professionals, with a broader mission to contribute to society through leadership and social impact. While loneliness isn’t a specific theme for JCI, it’s a space where members can create projects that help their communities.

Humanitas recently launched a new campaign to shine a light on loneliness and the impact of Van Mij Naar Wij. Part of the campaign is to record personal and heartwarming stories around the theme of human connection.

I had the opportunity to join forces with an amazing person equally committed to raising awareness for this cause and project. Together, we filmed a story that reflects the power and importance of connection, which I’m happy to share below (in Dutch).

To build on this, a group of us from both Humanitas and our local JCI chamber, Amsterdam Zuid, collaborated to create something special: an art exhibition focused on connection. We’re opening the exhibition next Thursday in De Hoftuin, right at the start of the Week Against Loneliness, and it will run for a week.

We’re showing artwork that participants and volunteers of the project made, around the theme of ‘connection’. The goal is to spark more conversations about loneliness and how we can all do our part to combat it.

Raising awareness is key. Loneliness is something many people struggle with, but it’s also something we can all help address, even in small ways. Whether that’s through volunteering, checking in on someone, or just being a little more mindful of those around us, we can all make a difference.

𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗔𝗺𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗱𝗮𝗺, 𝘄𝗲’𝗱 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗻𝗲𝘅𝘁 𝗧𝗵𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗱𝗮𝘆, 𝗦𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿 26𝘁𝗵, 2024 𝗮𝘁 𝟭𝟳:𝟬𝟬 𝗶𝗻 𝗗𝗲 𝗛𝗼𝗳𝘁𝘂𝗶𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝗔𝗺𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗱𝗮𝗺, 𝗼𝗿 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗳𝗿𝗲𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗽 𝗯𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗱𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗸.

A controversial take on giving feedback..

Sometimes, not giving feedback is selfish.

We avoid it for two main reasons:

  1. We want to be liked.
  2. We fear confrontation.

Both are natural, but they’re also self-centered.

By holding back, we deny the other person a chance to grow. We think we’re sparing them, but really, we’re protecting ourselves.

I used to do this all the time early in my career. I withheld feedback, afraid of being disliked, or gave it only to boost my team’s performance, which ultimately served my interests. Neither approach worked.

Here’s what I’ve learned: feedback, when done right, is an act of care.

Give it regularly. Make it constructive—something they can actually use to improve.

Consider both dimensions:

  1. Rational: Be specific. Give it promptly. Offer clear suggestions for improvement.
  2. Emotional: Come from a place of genuine care. Don’t see the person as a problem to be fixed, but as someone worth investing in.

When feedback is both clear and compassionate, people will be more open to it.

It’s normal for it to feel awkward, especially when you’re new to leadership.

But if you’re not uncomfortable, you’re not leading.

Try it out, and let me know how it goes.

Location Spotting For Shape Your Future – A Unique Leadership Experience

Just another day at the office—cruising through the forest in a golf cart! 🌲😄

I’m teaming up with Anouk Benders – MindBenders on a project that’s close to both of our hearts.

Our goal is to help ambitious leaders create a positive future, and we’re developing something we believe will do just that.

Last week, we visited the location where it’s all going to happen—March 21-23, 2025.

After exploring, I can honestly say we’ve found the perfect spot.

We’re excited to see this vision come to life and can’t wait to share more with you soon!

Stay tuned for updates—exciting things are on the way!

Set Boundaries and Protect Your Energy

Do you feel like you need to be available at all hours to lead effectively?

Many emerging leaders believe this, but it’s a misconception.

Always being “on” drains your energy, leaving you with little capacity for the strategic thinking needed to truly lead.

Effective leaders understand the importance of setting boundaries. It’s not about always being present; it’s about being present at the right moments.

Your energy and focus are your greatest assets—don’t waste them on every minor distraction.

And always having the answer ready creates dependencies, lowers your team’s sense of ownership and problem-solving skills.

Step back.

Focus on the bigger picture.

That’s how you lead with impact.

What you resist, persists.

This is one of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned in my life.

For years, when feelings of anger, sadness, and fear came up, I tried to push them away, hoping they’d vanish. I’d look for distractions. Instead, they lingered on, sometimes for decades.

What actually works, is very counter-intuitive: embrace those emotions.

Feel them fully. Observe the physical expressions of the emotion in your body. Pay attention to the tightness in your chest, the constriction in your throat, the sting in your heart, the knot in your belly. Don’t try to change them. Just feel them, or better: welcome them.

𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘄𝗼𝗿𝗸?

Emotions are signals from our subconscious. Once we truly feel them, they’ve served their purpose and can disappear. But resisting them activates different areas of our brain (our fight-flight-freeze system), keeping those emotions alive and kicking.

Embracing them doesn’t make deeply ingrained emotions disappear overnight, but it’s an essential part of letting them go.

It’s exactly the opposite of what 95% of us are doing, but it’s incredibly freeing, and it works.

For instance, if you’re about to present something to a big group and feel a rush of anxiety, our usual thought is: “Ugh, I wish I didn’t feel so anxious!”.

Next time, try this: pause, focus on the physical sensations, and allow yourself to feel the anxiety without trying to push it away. “I feel nervous, my chest feels tight, and that’s okay.”

Notice the tightness in your chest or the butterflies in your stomach. By acknowledging and feeling these sensations, you can reduce their power over you.

Take a moment today. Sit with whatever emotion is present. Feel it without judgment or negativity.

It can be tricky at first, but it’s definitely worth it.

Have you ever tried this method? What did it do for you?

I’d love to hear.


❗ Note: this is notns a solution to complex emotional issues or traumas, nor is it a substitute for therapy, when needed.

A Zen story With a Profound Lesson

Ever heard the Zen koan about the fish seller?

A koan is a short story to invoke insight.  I wasn’t sure to share it, as it’s quite abstract, but because I love it, I’m doing it anyway.

It goes like this:

“Banzan was walking through the market when he overheard a conversation between a fish seller and his customer.

The customer asked for the best piece of fish.

The seller replied, ‘All my pieces of fish are the best I have.’

Upon hearing this, Banzan was enlightened.”

Ok, that seller is either a genius, of desperately needs a marketing course. But what’s the point here actually?

It’s this: what if we saw every experience, every moment, as the best we have?

You might be thinking, “Yeah right, how is that aweful performance review the best moment I have?”

It’s not about the situation, it’s about how we 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘦𝘪𝘷𝘦 the situation.

When you approach a meeting thinking, “I hate this,” you’re already creating stress. For yourself.

You can’t control this initial spark of stress or negativity, that’s just your mind doing its thing.

But the moment you become aware of if, you have a choice to go along with that story, or not.

Usually, we go along with the mind’s story, and start having an internal conversation with ourselves about how this or that is terrible.

The result? It creates tension and drain your energy.

Instead, consider this approach:

✅ Before the meeting, take a moment to breathe and set an intention.
Think, “What can I gain from this meeting?”

✅ Realize: 𝗬𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗸𝗮𝘆. 𝗬𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗲.
✅ During the meeting, engage actively. Focus on understanding and connecting with the other, and contributing your best.
✅ After the meeting, find one positive takeaway, even if it’s small.

This shift in mindset doesn’t make the meeting (or situation) perfect, but it reduces the stress and helps you find value in the experience.

Even in our toughest moments, our bodies perform miracles. Billions of cells are working every second to keep us alive and functioning. This perspective can be incredibly empowering.

For managers, judging and resisting saps your energy.

Accepting each moment as it is can recharge your leadership and give you the clarity to inspire your team.

This doesn’t mean you can’t try to improve situations, or your life. To grow, learn. But when done from a state of accepting every moment as it is, without resistance, is so much more powerful.

So, what caused this major shift in Banzan after hearing that conversation?

He realized that his tendency to think “I don’t want this, I want that” was making him miserable.

And the lesson from the seller’s perspective: everything we do is the best in that moment. Big tasks or small, they all matter.

Try seeing each moment as perfect.

I know from experience: it’s not easy, but the better you get at this, the happier you’ll be.

<3

Dealing With Difficult Colleagues

Some colleagues challenge our patience.

They might be self-centered, poor listeners, unreliable, or drenched in negativity.

You’ve tried to sidestep them. But then came the promotion to manager.

Now you have to face them head-on.

Motivating them feels like dragging an anchor through the mud.

And when they don’t change, their behavior begins to cast shadows over your team’s morale and results.

<<𝗖𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘀𝗶𝘁𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗲>>

What if their difficult behavior is not a wall, but a riddle to be solved?

What if their egocentrism and unreliability are scars from years of disappointment?

What if their negativity is a cry of deep concern for the team or company’s direction?

Framing them as merely difficult hardens your heart and colours every interaction.

It becomes you versus them. Trust evaporates, resistance rises.

You end up trying to prove them wrong, hoping they’ll change.

But that battle is always lost.

This doesn’t mean tolerating bad behavior. Negativity is contagious and can spread like an oil spill.

As a leader, boundaries are essential. But before setting them, use Curiosity and Compassion.

Listen with genuine curiosity, without judgment. Take their concerns serious, and if they are valid, address them. Communicate on what you’ve done.

If what they want is not something you can do, explain why, clearly and calmly.

No one wants to be forced to change.

Everyone wants to be heard and understood.

Completing a 10-Day Vipassana Meditation Course – My Experiences and Insights

Last week, I completed a 10-day Vipassana meditation course. Many of you have asked about my experience, so I want to share it here, hoping it might offer some wisdom and inspiration for your own journey.

This is a longer post, but I hope it resonates with you.

The course was spartan. Every day began at 4 AM. We meditated for 10 hours a day, with three hours dedicated to sitting perfectly still. There was no speaking, no eye contact, and no physical touch. Our last meal was at 11 AM.

These strict conditions strip away distractions, forcing you to confront the raw workings of your mind.

The goal of Vipassana is simple: to see things as they really are. It teaches you to observe your sensations without reacting, cultivating a balanced mind.

The technique weakens the mind’s conditioning to chase after what we crave and flee from what we dislike. Instead, it allows you to respond with awareness rather than react instinctively.

𝗜𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝟭: 𝗘𝗺𝗯𝗿𝗮𝗰𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗦𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗦𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀
During those 10 days, I experienced profound silence. In that silence, my mind became crystal clear. Memories I thought were lost came back. Without the constant influx of dopamine from my phone, email, and the news, I realized how much it clutters our brains.

𝘈𝘱𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯: In your work, carve out moments of silence and stillness. Disconnect from your devices. Use this time to think deeply, plan strategically, and reconnect with your inner self. It will enhance your clarity and decision-making.

𝗜𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝟮: 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗟𝗮𝘄 𝗼𝗳 𝗜𝗺𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲
One core lesson was the law of impermanence. Everything changes. Pain and pleasure, joy and sorrow—they all come and go. This understanding brings peace and balance.

𝘈𝘱𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯: In leadership, remember that challenges and successes are both temporary. This perspective helps you stay grounded during crises and humble during triumphs.

𝗜𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝟯: 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗠𝗮𝘀𝗸 𝗪𝗲 𝗪𝗲𝗮𝗿
We all create images of ourselves and spend tremendous energy protecting them. Vipassana strips away these masks, revealing our true selves.

𝘈𝘱𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯: As a leader, embrace authenticity. Encourage your team to be genuine. Authenticity fosters trust and deeper connections, which are the foundations of strong leadership.

𝗜𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁 𝟰: 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗳 𝗠𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗮
At the end of the course, we practiced Metta Bhavana, the meditation of loving-kindness. It’s a powerful exercise to cultivate compassion and love. Simply focus on sending well-wishes to yourself and others.

𝘈𝘱𝘱𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯: Start a Metta meditation practice. Increasing your empathy and compassion will help you become a better leader.

Vipassana was a challenging, yet profoundly rewarding experience. It taught me the value of silence, the nature of impermanence, the importance of authenticity, and the power of compassion.

These courses are run by volunteers and funded only by donations from former students. I am deeply grateful for their dedication and support.