How to Deal With Fear

Why Does “The Cave You Fear Hold the Treasure You Seek”?

I recently discovered this quote by Joseph Campbell in one of Brené Brown’s inspiring books: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.“

While reading it, I felt a strong ‘YES’! Because it captures how I’ve been trying to live the past few years.

For much of my life, I was quite shy, insecure, introverted. I felt trapped in an invisible cage of my own making. My dark cave contained many things—speaking up in groups, starting conversations with strangers, facing rejection, saying no to social invitations, or choosing work that aligned with my dreams, to name a few. Actually, mine was more of a giant storage hall than a cave.

Then, one day, after a profound personal experience, I began to see fear for what it is—just a feeling, like any other. Nothing more.

Fear has its place; without it, we wouldn’t survive. But there’s a difference between fear that signals real danger and self-limiting fear that holds us back.

So, I decided to do something uncomfortable every day. And slowly, my comfort zone has been expanding.

The treasure I found? Freedom and connection.

I left the safety of my previous career to now spending my days doing what I love. I’ve connected with so many interesting people by initiating a conversation. I no longer feel bad about expressing my opinions, expressing my needs, or saying no to things that don’t serve me.

Sure, there are still things that make me uncomfortable. But I choose to face them, and it gets easier every time.

Here are the steps I took, which you can do:

  1. Identify Your Cave: List the things that scare you, but aren’t dangerous. These are your self-limiting fears.
  2. Take Small Steps: Start small. Say hello to someone new. Share an idea in a meeting.
  3. Embrace Discomfort: Discomfort is temporary and a sign of growth.
  4. Reflect on Progress: Keep track of your experiences, and see your comfort zone expand.

Now, reading my progress log makes me smile. Some years years ago, saying, “Siri, play next song,” in a public place was something I struggled with.

This week, I’ll be speaking about leadership at public event.

Fear is still there—but it’s no longer in charge.

A controversial take on giving feedback..

Sometimes, not giving feedback is selfish.

We avoid it for two main reasons:

  1. We want to be liked.
  2. We fear confrontation.

Both are natural, but they’re also self-centered.

By holding back, we deny the other person a chance to grow. We think we’re sparing them, but really, we’re protecting ourselves.

I used to do this all the time early in my career. I withheld feedback, afraid of being disliked, or gave it only to boost my team’s performance, which ultimately served my interests. Neither approach worked.

Here’s what I’ve learned: feedback, when done right, is an act of care.

Give it regularly. Make it constructive—something they can actually use to improve.

Consider both dimensions:

  1. Rational: Be specific. Give it promptly. Offer clear suggestions for improvement.
  2. Emotional: Come from a place of genuine care. Don’t see the person as a problem to be fixed, but as someone worth investing in.

When feedback is both clear and compassionate, people will be more open to it.

It’s normal for it to feel awkward, especially when you’re new to leadership.

But if you’re not uncomfortable, you’re not leading.

Try it out, and let me know how it goes.

A Zen story With a Profound Lesson

Ever heard the Zen koan about the fish seller?

A koan is a short story to invoke insight.  I wasn’t sure to share it, as it’s quite abstract, but because I love it, I’m doing it anyway.

It goes like this:

“Banzan was walking through the market when he overheard a conversation between a fish seller and his customer.

The customer asked for the best piece of fish.

The seller replied, ‘All my pieces of fish are the best I have.’

Upon hearing this, Banzan was enlightened.”

Ok, that seller is either a genius, of desperately needs a marketing course. But what’s the point here actually?

It’s this: what if we saw every experience, every moment, as the best we have?

You might be thinking, “Yeah right, how is that aweful performance review the best moment I have?”

It’s not about the situation, it’s about how we 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘦𝘪𝘷𝘦 the situation.

When you approach a meeting thinking, “I hate this,” you’re already creating stress. For yourself.

You can’t control this initial spark of stress or negativity, that’s just your mind doing its thing.

But the moment you become aware of if, you have a choice to go along with that story, or not.

Usually, we go along with the mind’s story, and start having an internal conversation with ourselves about how this or that is terrible.

The result? It creates tension and drain your energy.

Instead, consider this approach:

✅ Before the meeting, take a moment to breathe and set an intention.
Think, “What can I gain from this meeting?”

✅ Realize: 𝗬𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗸𝗮𝘆. 𝗬𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗲.
✅ During the meeting, engage actively. Focus on understanding and connecting with the other, and contributing your best.
✅ After the meeting, find one positive takeaway, even if it’s small.

This shift in mindset doesn’t make the meeting (or situation) perfect, but it reduces the stress and helps you find value in the experience.

Even in our toughest moments, our bodies perform miracles. Billions of cells are working every second to keep us alive and functioning. This perspective can be incredibly empowering.

For managers, judging and resisting saps your energy.

Accepting each moment as it is can recharge your leadership and give you the clarity to inspire your team.

This doesn’t mean you can’t try to improve situations, or your life. To grow, learn. But when done from a state of accepting every moment as it is, without resistance, is so much more powerful.

So, what caused this major shift in Banzan after hearing that conversation?

He realized that his tendency to think “I don’t want this, I want that” was making him miserable.

And the lesson from the seller’s perspective: everything we do is the best in that moment. Big tasks or small, they all matter.

Try seeing each moment as perfect.

I know from experience: it’s not easy, but the better you get at this, the happier you’ll be.

<3

Honesty, Curiosity and Self-Reflection

This might be controversial, but here’s something we need to talk about…

Social media is flooded with leadership quotes. We like them, we share them, and we think, “Gosh, when will my manager finally get this?” 🙄

But how often do we take a hard look at our own leadership?

Here’s the irony – most managers are on LinkedIn daily, yet many teams are still struggling.

It’s easy to scroll through content and believe the advice is for others. But true leadership starts with self-examination.

Are we actively seeking out feedback, especially when it’s tough to hear? Do we confront our own shortcomings?

Next time you come across a leadership quote, challenge yourself: Am I living up to this standard with my team?

If yes – how can you actually verify if this is true?

Keep the Dunning-Kruger effect in mind – people who objectively score among the bottom 0-25% on a particular skill rate themselves in the 50-75% bracket.

Unconscious incompetence is quite common.

❗ If you believe you’re doing great, but your team is consistently difficult or disengaged, it might be a sign to reevaluate your approach.

Here’s the truth – the leaders who practice honest self-reflection grow the fastest. They get promoted faster, score better on performance reviews, and lead happier teams.

Let’s not just scroll through inspirational quotes. Let’s live them.

Imagine the impact you could have by truly applying these principles.

Reflect deeply, lead with authenticity, and watch your team – and yourself – flourish. 💪

Difficult Conversations – Transforming Stress Into Connection

You’re about to walk into a performance review with a team member, knowing you have to deliver some tough feedback.

Your chest tightens, your breath becomes shallow, and your mind races with worst-case scenarios.

Sound familiar?

This kind of physical reaction is a natural response to stress, but it can also be a sign of a deeper issue: closing your heart to protect yourself.

We’ve all been hurt or disappointed in life, which may cause our hearts to close. When we close our hearts, we not only shut out pain but also joy, love, and connection.

This automatic defense mechanism, designed to protect us from physical threats, often leaves us feeling isolated and disconnected at work.

Living with an open heart, no matter what life throws at us, is challenging but highly rewarding. I know it sounds like a motivational poster, but let’s get practical.

Consider those moments right before difficult conversations or when receiving unexpected critical feedback.

The instinct to protect yourself causes physical constriction, especially around your chest.

You tense up, your breath becomes shallow, and your mind starts to close off, too.

Your mind and body are interconnected: the more you tense up, the more your mind focuses on perceived threats, the less connection you feel to others, the more your chest feels constricted.

Try this: each time you feel your chest tighten, consciously relax it.

Notice how often this happens throughout your day.

Slow your breathing and relax your entire body. This helps you stay calm and keeps your mind open.

When you’re open, you can connect more deeply with others. People will notice your openness and respond in kind, creating a ripple effect.

Take a deep breath, relax your chest, and embrace the day with an open heart. The rewards are immense.

The more you open up, the more the world opens up to you.

❤️

Why Your Next Promotion Might Be Your Last (Unless You’re Aware of This) 2/2

I always saw myself as a good listener. Until I realized I wasn’t…

Last week I wrote about 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗣𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗽𝗹𝗲 – you keep getting promoted, until you hit the ceiling of your competence.

Then, the requirements of the role exceed your capabilities and you stop being promoted.

For competence, think about things like your ability to think strategically, your emotional intelligence, your leadership skills, your communication skills, or your ability to analyse complex problems.

Competence is not set in stone – you can increase it.

But here, we’re faced with an invisible enemy – the 𝗗𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴-𝗞𝗿𝘂𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗲𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁.

It’s a cognitive bias that makes people with low ability in a specific area, overestimate their ability in that area. It’s unconscious incompetence.

In many experiments, Dunning and Kruger’s observed that people who objectively score among the lowest 25%, rate themselves to be in the 50-75% range.

A practical example: many people who believe they are good listeners, in fact aren’t.

For me, the realization came when I truly listened to feedback. And then explored the topic of what listening is about, and how to become good at it.

Let’s tie last week’s post and this topic together:

• You keep getting promoted in organizations, until you hit your level of competence (𝗣𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗣𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗽𝗹𝗲).
• To keep getting promoted, increase your level of competence.
• For those skills we need to increase our competence for, we overestimate our ability (𝗗𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴-𝗞𝗿𝘂𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗲𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁).
• This prevents us from putting in the effort to improve, which keeps our level of competence, and our career, where it is.

What can you do?

• Take assessments on particular skills required for your role.
• Ask for 360-feedback from your colleagues (anonymous or not). Be open to criticism.
• Question your beliefs about what you know and what you don’t yet know.
• Keep learning.

There is no need to become insecure and doubtful about your abilities. But realize information is power.

And, a few weeks after International Women’s Day, for managers and organisations, I also want to call out the 𝗣𝗮𝘂𝗹𝗮 𝗣𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗽𝗹𝗲. It describes how many women in organisations work below their level of competence. Using objective data can help us counter this

So, identify the skills critical for your role and the next. Use data and feedback for an honest assessment, and then, take action.

Your future-you will thank you for it.

Make Your Meetings Great – And Save Time And Energy

Ever wondered why your meetings rarely end before their scheduled end time?

*𝗦𝘂𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗲*

*𝗗𝗿𝘂𝗺-𝗿𝗼𝗹𝗹*

Most of us love to talk!

Ok, that probably didn’t come as a surprise.

While talking builds connection, having days full of long calls depletes our energy.

And we’re all busy, sometimes overworked.

We spend so much time in calls,
calls that don’t end when they served their purpose.

They end when the time is up. Or after.

Then we rush to the next one, skipping lunch, feeling stressed.

How can we do this better?

As a team, take ownership of your time and productivity, together.

I created a team agreement for you that can help you.

Give it a try. Let me know how many free hours you gained this month!

See -Free Downloads – for the document.

Outsmarting AI – Why Human Skills Are Your Super Power In 2024

With AI increasingly handling technical tasks, the spotlight is on human skills – those essential, automation-resistant qualities that enrich our work interactions.

Think empathy, compassion, intuition, and leadership; they’re not just nice to have, they’re crucial for your career success.

Recent insights from 650 L&D and HR leaders confirm this trend, placing human skills on the second highest priority on the L&D agenda, just after business skills. As AI transforms technical work, the human touch grows in importance.

Particularly for leaders, strong human skills are becoming indispensable. (‘𝘚𝘰𝘧𝘵 𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘴’? – 2023 called, they want you back).

Case in point: “Manager effectiveness”, which is includes human skills like leadership and adaptability, is now the #1 concern for HR leaders worldwide (𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘤𝘦: 𝘊𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘢 𝘑𝘰𝘣 𝘚𝘬𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘙𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 2024). This indicates a growing emphasis on these competencies in modern management.

If you’re ready to develop these skills but unsure where to start, consider Active Listening, a foundational element of true connection and communication.

Transitioning from listening to analyze to listening to understand was a personal gamechanger for me. 💡

This key skill strongly supports workplace communication and relationships. There are plenty of resources, including many free YouTube videos, to help you get started.

Enhancing these human skills in 2024 and beyond will not only keep us relevant, but also amplify our impact in an AI-driven professional world.

At the beginning of this new year, take a moment to consider: which human skill do you want to strengthen in 2024? Your choice could significantly shape your professional path.

Why Is Psychological Safety A Game-Changer At Work?

What sets high-performing teams apart?

It’s not just skills or hard work—it’s the climate of trust they operate in, where making mistakes is not a fireable offense but a growth opportunity.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of attending an eye-opening workshop by Gabriele Galassi, organized by the inspiring the D2 collective.

The topic: psychological safety at work.

A standout insight?

Google’s research shows that top teams succeed not because they are smarter, but because there is more psychological safety.

Psychological safety is 𝘢 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘮 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘬-𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨.

Safer to speak up, challenge norms, make mistakes, report errors and give each other tough feedback.

A few more learnings from yesterday I want to share with you:

📌 Having a great variation of nationalities on a team promotes psychological safety.

📌 Team cohesion is another strong predictor of performance. Teams where members are willing and able to establish strong relationships, to listen and feel empathy for each other and to give and take feedback, perform better than regular teams.

📌 In the workplace, we start overvaluing tasks over relationships. Starting the day with a relationship-building exercise over a task-oriented meeting, can have surprisingly beneficial results.

📌 A characteristic of high-performing teams is that members speak roughly in equal measure, keeping contributions short and sweet.

Improving psychological safety and team cohesion is one of the topics I work on with my ambitious leadership development clients.

Do you want to boost your team’s performance too?

Let’s connect!

How To Be Assertive AND Empathetic?

Too hard or too soft? It’s not a pillow question—it’s about leadership style.

An effective leader knows how to combine assertiveness with empathy.

Assertiveness doesn’t mean being harsh; it’s about finding the right balance between passivity and aggression.

Empathy isn’t about just accepting everything – it’s about truly understanding and sharing someone else’s feelings.

A 2500-year-old practice I’ve grown to love for increasing empathy and compassion is ‘Metta’, or ‘loving-kindness’ meditation.

I was skeptical at first, but integrating it into my routine increased my empathy and changed how I connect with others.

How to practice ‘𝗠𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗮’?

𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗮 𝗤𝘂𝗶𝗲𝘁 𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁: Sit comfortably, close your eyes.

𝗩𝗶𝘀𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝗦𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗖𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗔𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁: Start by picturing your best friend. Wish them health, happiness, and well-being. Connect with these feelings.

𝗘𝘅𝗽𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗦𝗰𝗼𝗽𝗲: Gradually move to someone neutral, like a helpful store clerk, and then to someone you have difficulties with or don’t like.

𝗪𝗶𝘀𝗵 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗪𝗲𝗹𝗹: Remember, this isn’t just for them; it’s for enhancing your own emotional powers.

By practicing these steps, you’re strengthening your empathy muscle by creating stronger neural pathways for compassion and empathy in your brain.

Interested in mastering both assertive and empathetic leadership?

Let’s chat about how these skills can transform your approach and help you lead more effectively.