Loneliness at the top: why so many executives carry it alone
David Buirs is a leadership and executive coach based in Amsterdam. This article describes the loneliness many executives and senior leaders experience at the top of an organisation. It explains how executive coaching offers a professional sounding board so leaders no longer have to carry that weight alone.
You have what you worked for. The title, the responsibility, the influence.
And yet there is something you rarely say out loud.
That it is actually quite lonely.
Everyone wants something from you. Nobody sees the full picture.
Your team wants higher salaries. You understand. But the budget is limited and the trade-offs are more complex than they appear from the outside.
Three people deserve that promotion. You can only choose one. The other two will be disappointed, maybe frustrated. You already know that. And you carry it for weeks before the decision is made.
Your CEO expects growth. The board wants margins. Clients want attention. Shareholders want returns. And you stand in the middle of all of it, every single day, trying to hold course without losing anyone.
On top of that: the dynamics within your own management team. Clashing egos. Communication problems you have seen coming for months but have not been able to resolve yet. Someone overplaying their role. Someone playing it too small.
You want to set a clear strategy. A vision people genuinely get behind. But first there is another fire to put out. And then another one after that.
You cannot fully share it.
The difficult thing about your position is this: you cannot discuss everything with the people around you.
Not with your team. They do not know all the interests at play. Some information is confidential. And you are their leader. They look to you for direction, not to absorb your doubts.
Not always with peers at the same level. Sometimes they are involved parties too.
Not always with friends or a partner. They do not have the context, or they worry in ways that do not help.
So you carry it. Largely alone.
That is not weakness. That is the reality of leadership at this level.
You are not the only one who feels this way.
Research from Stanford Graduate School of Business confirms it. Nearly two-thirds of CEOs do not receive any coaching or leadership advice from outside their organisation. At the same time, almost 100% of them said they are open to it and willing to make changes based on feedback.
The willingness is there. The support is not.
And according to the Corporate Executive Board, 70% of Fortune 500 companies use executive coaching as part of their leadership development strategy. At the highest levels of business, having a coach is no longer a luxury. It is standard practice.
Not because those executives cannot handle it. But because they understand that you cannot fully see yourself from the inside. That blind spots are not a sign of incompetence. They are a sign of being human.
What a good sounding board actually does.
An executive coach is not an advisor who tells you what to do. And not a therapist who puts your feelings at the centre.
It is a professional thinking partner who keeps you sharp. Someone who asks the questions you are not asking yourself, because you are too close to it. Someone who holds up a mirror without having an agenda.
You can say what you cannot say inside the organisation. Think out loud about a decision you have been carrying for weeks. Notice patterns in how you respond to pressure, conflict, or uncertainty.
Sometimes you need someone who asks: "What makes this so heavy for you?" Sometimes you need someone who says: "Here is how you can approach that conversation." Sometimes you just need someone who gets it.
That is what executive coaching offers. No fixed formula. A fixed space.
On the value of an outside perspective.
One of the hardest things about a senior position is this: you receive less and less honest feedback over time.
People around you filter. They say what they think you want to hear. Or they stay silent, because it feels too risky to criticise someone who has influence over their position.
As a result, you build a distorted picture of how you come across. Of how your decisions land. Of where your blind spots actually are.
That is not a personal failing. That is the structure of most organisations.
A coach has no stake in your good mood. They say what is there. That is exactly why it works.
For organisations that want to address this structurally and develop leaders across multiple levels, an in-company leadership program is a logical next step.
The loneliness does not disappear. But you do not have to carry it alone.
Leadership at your level comes with a weight that others do not see. That is part of it. That does not go away.
But there is a difference between carrying that weight alone, and carrying it with someone next to you who understands.
If you are curious whether executive coaching is right for you, plan a free introductory conversation. No sales pitch. Just an honest conversation about where you are now and what you need.
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