Sorry managers, not giving feedback is selfish. Here's why.

You've done it before. Someone on your team does something that could be better, and you say nothing. You wait for a better moment. That moment never comes. And meanwhile you tell yourself you're being kind.

I did this for years. Early in my career I held feedback back because I was afraid of not being liked. I thought I was sparing the other person. Mostly I was protecting myself.

In this article I share how to give feedback at work without it feeling like a confrontation, and why silence is the most expensive choice you can make as a leader.

Almost Everyone Struggles With This

Let me be honest. Giving feedback comes naturally to almost no one. Most leaders find it hard, and that's completely understandable.

We've all received feedback that landed too harshly. A remark that stayed with us for days. We know how much that can hurt. And so we'd rather not do that to someone else. That hesitation often comes from something good.

So if you struggle with this, you're in good company. The catch is that this fear tends to push us the wrong way. We'd rather say nothing than risk wounding someone.

Why We Swallow Feedback

We hold feedback back for two reasons. We want to be liked, and we're afraid of confrontation. Both are human. And both revolve around ourselves.

By saying nothing, you deny the other person a chance to grow. It feels like you're sparing them. In reality you're avoiding your own discomfort. Meanwhile they stay caught in behaviour that holds them back.

Seen that way, swallowing feedback is a form of selfishness. You choose your own comfort over someone else's development. That sounds harsh, but it helped me look at feedback differently. I'll put it more sharply: for a leader, not giving feedback borders on incompetence. It's one of your most important tasks. You help your team grow through it, and that's a core part of your job as a manager.

What the Research Shows

The numbers are clear. Gallup found that employees who get feedback from their manager a few times a week are far more engaged than those who only hear something at the annual review. Regular feedback is one of the strongest predictors of engagement.

The same researchers found something striking. Around 70% of the difference in team engagement traces back to the manager. It rarely comes down to salary or office perks. It comes down to the person leading, and how they communicate. You can read the full Gallup research here.

That means feedback is one of your most powerful instruments. And every time you swallow it, you leave that instrument unused.

Feedback as a Form of Care

Here's the heart of it. Good feedback comes from being invested in the other person. You see someone worth investing in, rather than a problem to be fixed.

When you give feedback from that place, the tone changes on its own. Your words get softer, while your message stays sharp. The other person feels you're on their side. And that makes them far more open to what you say.

Feedback from irritation backfires. Feedback from care opens the door. The difference lies in where the words come from.

The Two Sides of Good Feedback

Every useful piece of feedback has two sides. A rational one and an emotional one. You need both.

The rational side is about clarity. Be specific. Give it quickly, not weeks later. Name concrete behaviour instead of a vague feeling. And offer a clear suggestion the other person can actually use.

The emotional side is about intent. Come from genuine care. Show that you believe in the other person. When both sides are right, feedback becomes something people can carry. Clear and warm at the same time.

It's Allowed to Feel Uncomfortable

Giving feedback stays nerve-racking, even after years. Especially when you're new to a leadership role. That discomfort is part of it.

Don't be afraid of it. If you never have an uncomfortable conversation, you're probably not really leading. The comfort zone is a pleasant place, but little grows there.

Start small. Give one piece of feedback this week that you'd normally swallow. See what happens. You'll find it often lands lighter than you feared.

Where This Takes You

Once feedback becomes a fixed part of your leadership, something changes in your team. People know where they stand. They grow faster. And the atmosphere opens up, because honesty becomes the norm.

You don't have to be a natural at it. By working on this discomfort, you become a far better leader. You only have to be willing to seek it out, again and again, out of care for the people around you.

This is the kind of work I dig into with leaders in leadership coaching. We practise real conversations and look at what holds you back. For leaders at director level, coaching for senior leaders is a logical deepening of that same work.

Running into this yourself and want to talk it through? Plan a free introduction. Just to see if there's a click.