How to Have Real Conversations & Connect With People

Person A: “I, I, I, me, me, me.”
Person B: “Fascinating! Because I, I, I, me, me, me.”
Person A: “That’s so true, reminds me of… I, I, I, me, me, me.”

This is how most ‘conversations’ go: two people taking turns talking about themselves.

It’s not surprising. We’re wired to think about ourselves most of the time.

But when all we do is talk about ourselves, we miss out on something important.

We don’t learn anything new.
We don’t grow.
We don’t build real connections.

💡 𝗗𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗯𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻 𝗔 𝗼𝗿 𝗕. 𝗕𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻 𝗖.

Person C makes conversations meaningful.

If someone brings up a topic, they ask questions like:

“What does that mean to you?”
“How did you get into that?”
“What do you like most about it?”

Person C doesn’t just talk—they listen and learn.

This doesn’t mean you should never talk about yourself. Conversations are a two-way street. But when you go into a conversation with curiosity and a desire to learn, amazing things happen:

🌟 You learn new things.
👀 You see the world in new ways.
❤️ You build stronger relationships.
🤝 People feel heard and valued.

Next time you’re in a conversation, pause and ask yourself:

𝗔𝗺 𝗜 𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝗿𝗲𝗽𝗹𝘆, 𝗼𝗿 𝗮𝗺 𝗜 𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗱?

This small change can make a big difference.

As a Leader, Do You Always Need to Have the Answer?

You’re not a search engine.

But as a new leader, it can feel like you have to be one.

Your team asks questions. Pings you on Teams. Calls. Emails. And the instinct? Respond. Immediately. Every single time.

The problem? Constant interruptions chip away at your ability to focus, and focus is what you need most as a leader.

It’s what allows you to steer the ship, plan strategically, and make thoughtful decisions for your team’s success.

When you spend your days responding to every ping and notification, you lose the time and energy for the deep thinking that drives real progress.

What can you do?

• 𝗘𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗵 𝗯𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀: Set a daily hour of uninterrupted focus for you and your team.
• 𝗘𝗺𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀: Encourage your team to solve what they can without you, building their confidence along the way.
• 𝗥𝗲𝗳𝗿𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗿𝗼𝗹𝗲: Leadership is about guiding the team toward long-term success, not managing every moment.

Start protecting your focus.

It’s the key to being the leader your team needs.

What if your manager or client gives you more work than you can handle?

What do you do when your manager or client asks you to take on more work—when your schedule is already packed?

Most of us have two typical responses:

Say 𝘆𝗲𝘀, and brace yourself for even more 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴.
Say 𝗻𝗼, and worry about coming across as 𝘶𝘯𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘧𝘶𝘭.

But there’s a better way—a skill borrowed from improv that can change everything.

Imagine this: You’re in a meeting, and your manager suddenly asks you to “take charge” of an urgent project. Your calendar is already full, but saying no feels risky.

Or picture this: A client asks for extra work, and the deadline is tight. Saying yes means you’ll struggle to keep up with everything else, yet saying no might feel like letting them down.

This is where “𝗬𝗲𝘀, 𝗮𝗻𝗱…” comes in.

The phrase “Yes, and…” comes from improv theater. Instead of rejecting an idea, performers use it to build on each other’s thoughts, creating a sense of flow.

In a work setting, it works much the same way. Here’s how it sounds in practice:

“𝘠𝘦𝘴, 𝘐’𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘶𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘐’𝘥 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘥𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘩 𝘤𝘶𝘳𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘰𝘳𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘥𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬.”

With “𝗬𝗲𝘀, 𝗮𝗻𝗱…”, you keep your response open and positive while setting clear boundaries. It helps you stay engaged without overcommitting.

The magic of “Yes, and…” is that it also:

• Shows you’re willing to collaborate
• Acknowledges that your time and energy are limited
• Puts the choice back in their hands, giving them a sense of control

Next time someone asks you to do more than you can handle, try these two simple words.

Let me know how it goes 🙂

Starting Leaders – Don’t Fall For the Power Paradox.

Have you ever watched a colleague get promoted to team lead, only to see them change?

They start off grounded, empathetic, and fair. Then, slowly, that openness starts to fade. They seem less interested in feedback. More impulsive. And the empathy? It’s like it vanished.

Sound familiar? This change isn’t unique—it’s a trap nearly every leader risks falling into.

This is the 𝗣𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗣𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗱𝗼𝘅, a term coined by psychologist Dacher Keltner.

And now it gets interest: it doesn’t just impact “other leaders.” 𝙏𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙡𝙙 𝙗𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪, 𝙩𝙤𝙤.

The Power Paradox concept explains how, as leaders gain power, they often lose the very qualities that like respect and trust that led them to power. Keltner’s research shows that power affects the brain, triggering dopamine and sparking a “high” that can become addictive.

While it feels great, it also blunts social awareness, turning focus inward and making self-serving decisions feel “right.”

If you’re a leader, don’t assume you’re immune— 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 is the key to avoiding this trap.

𝗛𝗲𝗿𝗲’𝘀 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻𝘀𝘁 𝗶𝘁:

  1. 𝗣𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝗘𝗺𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗵𝘆 𝗥𝗲𝗴𝘂𝗹𝗮𝗿𝗹𝘆: Empathy fades fast with power. Keep listening, and make a habit of asking your team what they really need. Adopt a regular ‘Loving/Kindness’ meditation practice to increase empathy.
  2. 𝗦𝗲𝗲𝗸 𝗛𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗙𝗲𝗲𝗱𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸: Power can make people reluctant to be honest. Show your team that you genuinely value their insights, not just their agreement.
  3. 𝗦𝘁𝗮𝘆 𝗚𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗲𝗱: Real leadership is about serving others. Focus on the team’s success and growth, not just your own.
  4. 𝗣𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗕𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗔𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 Power drives impulsive decisions. Before you make a call, take a breath. Ask yourself: who does this really serve?

The Power Paradox is real, and it can sneak up on anyone. Stay aware, and protect the qualities that make you a true leader.

𝗥𝗲𝗮𝗹 𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝘁𝘀 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝘂𝗽. ⬆

Progress, not Perfectionism

Dear fellow-perfectionists: it’s not a strength, it’s a way of seeking approval.

In job interviews, people often humblebrag about their biggest weakness being perfectionism. It sounds like a hidden strength, doesn’t it?

Only, it’s not.

We tell ourselves, “I care a lot about my work. When I do something, I want it done right!”.

But deep down, there is small voice saying, “If I don’t do everything perfectly, people won’t value me. I feel like my worth depends on how flawless my work is. I’m scared of making mistakes—what if they stop respecting or liking me?”.

It’s great to work hard and aim for high quality. Those are good things.

But when perfectionism takes over, it can lead to stress, anxiety and burnout. Research shows that perfectionism can actually make it harder to reach our goals.

As leaders, we might notice team members who push themselves too hard, striving for impossible standards. At first glance, we might think, “Great! This person delivers quality.” But in the long run, it’s not good for them or the team because it’s not sustainable.

We can help by encouraging them to focus on progress, not perfection, and by reminding them that mistakes are part of learning.

So, how to find the line between doing good work and falling into perfectionism?

  • Set high goals without making them impossible or taking over our lives.
  • Focus on making progress instead of being perfect.
  • Ask yourself, “Is what I’m doing really making my work better, or am I stuck on tiny details that don’t add much value?”.

As Tony Robbins says, “perfectionism is the lowest possible standard – because it’s impossible to attain”.

Mistakes are part of learning. They’re not signs that you’re not good enough but chances to grow and improve.

How to Deal With Fear

Why Does “The Cave You Fear Hold the Treasure You Seek”?

I recently discovered this quote by Joseph Campbell in one of Brené Brown’s inspiring books: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.“

While reading it, I felt a strong ‘YES’! Because it captures how I’ve been trying to live the past few years.

For much of my life, I was quite shy, insecure, introverted. I felt trapped in an invisible cage of my own making. My dark cave contained many things—speaking up in groups, starting conversations with strangers, facing rejection, saying no to social invitations, or choosing work that aligned with my dreams, to name a few. Actually, mine was more of a giant storage hall than a cave.

Then, one day, after a profound personal experience, I began to see fear for what it is—just a feeling, like any other. Nothing more.

Fear has its place; without it, we wouldn’t survive. But there’s a difference between fear that signals real danger and self-limiting fear that holds us back.

So, I decided to do something uncomfortable every day. And slowly, my comfort zone has been expanding.

The treasure I found? Freedom and connection.

I left the safety of my previous career to now spending my days doing what I love. I’ve connected with so many interesting people by initiating a conversation. I no longer feel bad about expressing my opinions, expressing my needs, or saying no to things that don’t serve me.

Sure, there are still things that make me uncomfortable. But I choose to face them, and it gets easier every time.

Here are the steps I took, which you can do:

  1. Identify Your Cave: List the things that scare you, but aren’t dangerous. These are your self-limiting fears.
  2. Take Small Steps: Start small. Say hello to someone new. Share an idea in a meeting.
  3. Embrace Discomfort: Discomfort is temporary and a sign of growth.
  4. Reflect on Progress: Keep track of your experiences, and see your comfort zone expand.

Now, reading my progress log makes me smile. Some years years ago, saying, “Siri, play next song,” in a public place was something I struggled with.

This week, I’ll be speaking about leadership at public event.

Fear is still there—but it’s no longer in charge.

More Digital Connection, Less Human Connection.

Have you also noticed that we’re constantly connected through social media, but still many people feel more disconnected than ever?  

Next week, the 𝘞𝘦𝘦𝘬 𝘈𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 𝘓𝘰𝘯𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴 kicks off in the Netherlands, and it’s got me thinking about how many people, even in a bustling city like Amsterdam, feel disconnected. Did you know that 4 out of 10 adults in Amsterdam regularly experience loneliness? It’s a huge number, and yet it’s something many of us don’t talk about enough.

I’ve been lucky enough to be involved with two organizations that are trying to make a difference in their own ways—Humanitas and JCI.

Humanitas, a national nonprofit, is focused on supporting people through community service, and one of their main pillars is addressing loneliness. Their Van Mij Naar Wij (From Me, To We) project pairs volunteers with individuals seeking more connection, offering them much-needed companionship and support.

On the other hand, JCI (Junior Chamber International) is a global network of young professionals, with a broader mission to contribute to society through leadership and social impact. While loneliness isn’t a specific theme for JCI, it’s a space where members can create projects that help their communities.

Humanitas recently launched a new campaign to shine a light on loneliness and the impact of Van Mij Naar Wij. Part of the campaign is to record personal and heartwarming stories around the theme of human connection.

I had the opportunity to join forces with an amazing person equally committed to raising awareness for this cause and project. Together, we filmed a story that reflects the power and importance of connection, which I’m happy to share below (in Dutch).

To build on this, a group of us from both Humanitas and our local JCI chamber, Amsterdam Zuid, collaborated to create something special: an art exhibition focused on connection. We’re opening the exhibition next Thursday in De Hoftuin, right at the start of the Week Against Loneliness, and it will run for a week.

We’re showing artwork that participants and volunteers of the project made, around the theme of ‘connection’. The goal is to spark more conversations about loneliness and how we can all do our part to combat it.

Raising awareness is key. Loneliness is something many people struggle with, but it’s also something we can all help address, even in small ways. Whether that’s through volunteering, checking in on someone, or just being a little more mindful of those around us, we can all make a difference.

𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗔𝗺𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗱𝗮𝗺, 𝘄𝗲’𝗱 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝘁 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗼𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗻𝗲𝘅𝘁 𝗧𝗵𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗱𝗮𝘆, 𝗦𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗲𝗿 26𝘁𝗵, 2024 𝗮𝘁 𝟭𝟳:𝟬𝟬 𝗶𝗻 𝗗𝗲 𝗛𝗼𝗳𝘁𝘂𝗶𝗻 𝗶𝗻 𝗔𝗺𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗿𝗱𝗮𝗺, 𝗼𝗿 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗳𝗿𝗲𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘁𝗼𝗽 𝗯𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝗱𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗲𝗲𝗸.

A controversial take on giving feedback..

Sometimes, not giving feedback is selfish.

We avoid it for two main reasons:

  1. We want to be liked.
  2. We fear confrontation.

Both are natural, but they’re also self-centered.

By holding back, we deny the other person a chance to grow. We think we’re sparing them, but really, we’re protecting ourselves.

I used to do this all the time early in my career. I withheld feedback, afraid of being disliked, or gave it only to boost my team’s performance, which ultimately served my interests. Neither approach worked.

Here’s what I’ve learned: feedback, when done right, is an act of care.

Give it regularly. Make it constructive—something they can actually use to improve.

Consider both dimensions:

  1. Rational: Be specific. Give it promptly. Offer clear suggestions for improvement.
  2. Emotional: Come from a place of genuine care. Don’t see the person as a problem to be fixed, but as someone worth investing in.

When feedback is both clear and compassionate, people will be more open to it.

It’s normal for it to feel awkward, especially when you’re new to leadership.

But if you’re not uncomfortable, you’re not leading.

Try it out, and let me know how it goes.

Sneak Peak Of The Location of Shape Your Future – A Unique Leadership Experience

Picking up from last week’s post about that golf cart ride through the forest… 🌲 Here’s where we ended up.

Anouk Benders – MindBenders and I were out scouting the location for 𝗦𝗛𝗔𝗣𝗘 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗥 𝗙𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗥𝗘 —our three-day leadership experience—and we found the right place.

It’s not just beautiful; it also has a sense of luxury and warmth that makes you feel at home the moment you arrive.

Quality is everything to us for this event, and we knew the setting needed to be perfect. We’re happy to have found the right match.

Take a look at the photos to see what we mean. This spot was chosen to create a deep, immersive experience—where ambitious leaders can come together for growth, connection, and real development.

𝗦𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗮𝘁𝗲: 𝗠𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵 𝟮𝟭-𝟮𝟯, 𝟮𝟬𝟮𝟱. We’ve already had a lot of interest, which is exciting to see.

If you’re thinking about joining us and want to stay updated, send me a DM, and I’ll add you to our list.

Location Spotting For Shape Your Future – A Unique Leadership Experience

Just another day at the office—cruising through the forest in a golf cart! 🌲😄

I’m teaming up with Anouk Benders – MindBenders on a project that’s close to both of our hearts.

Our goal is to help ambitious leaders create a positive future, and we’re developing something we believe will do just that.

Last week, we visited the location where it’s all going to happen—March 21-23, 2025.

After exploring, I can honestly say we’ve found the perfect spot.

We’re excited to see this vision come to life and can’t wait to share more with you soon!

Stay tuned for updates—exciting things are on the way!