Kindness or Pleasing?

You helped, smiled, nodded… and walked away annoyed.
We’ve all done it.

When we please, we’re often hoping for something in return. Approval, respect, appreciation.
But when that return doesn’t come, we’re left feeling used, bitter, or just plain tired.

That’s because pleasing isn’t kindness.
It’s a quiet transaction, disguised as niceness.
And when it fails, the emotional cost is yours alone.

Kindness, by contrast, is clean. It gives without expectation, and feels lighter, not heavier.

In leadership, the difference isn’t academic.
One builds trust. The other erodes it silently.

Have you caught yourself doing the second, when you meant the first?

When Do You Become Too Self-critical?

“I’m just holding myself to a high standard.”
Are you?
Or are you just being harsh?

There’s a subtle trap many high performers fall into—especially new managers:

Mistaking self-criticism for motivation.

We think:
☑ “If I don’t push myself, I’ll get lazy.”
☑ “That wasn’t good enough—I should’ve done better.”
☑ “I need to be tough on myself, or I won’t improve.”

But neuroscience and psychology tell a different story.

🔬 Studies show that self-compassion, not self-judgment, leads to higher resilience, motivation, and long-term growth.

It’s not about going easy on yourself.
It’s about not tearing yourself down.

Here’s what helps me reframe:

“I did my best with the resources I had at that moment. Now, what can I learn for next time?”

That mindset still drives improvement—but without the emotional bruising.

Leadership is already tough. You don’t have to lead yourself with a whip.

What if your biggest sign of worth isn’t your car, title, or the number on your pay check?

What if it’s your personality?

What if we worried more about living a life always trying to fit in, instead of worrying about person X’s opinion on our slide deck?
What if we lay awake at night because we failed to make everyone in our team feel heard, not because we missed our (still important) quarterly objectives?
What if we feared going through life always wearing a mask, instead of being judged by people who don’t know us well?

What if we swapped some Instagram scrolling for a few pages of a thought-provoking book?
What if some of the time we spend in the gym, at the hairdresser, or shopping for clothes went into strengthening our character?

This idea runs through Nietzsche’s work (minus Instagram, the gym, and the hairdresser 😉):
Creating the self—your character—as a work of art.
Not to gain acceptance or respect from others.
Not modelled on how you think others want to see you.
But in the way you want to. Your unique personal style.

Not style as in how you dress, but the deepest expression of your values, commitments, and way of being.

This process takes reflection, courage, and the willingness to face challenges.
Less worrying about people’s opinions. More following your passions and self-expression.
Less uniformity and mediocrity. More uniqueness and creativity.
More life-affirmation, humour, and courage. Less playing safe.

But what about my numbers and KPIs?
I believe this path often turns you into someone others want to follow.
And then your KPIs tend to follow too.

How to Up-Manage Well

Not all rising leaders are the loudest or most experienced ones.

Some are just quietly doing something most people overlook:

They think like owners—and that includes how they manage up.

It’s not just about leading your team.
It’s about supporting your manager too:
→ Keeping them informed
→ Flagging issues early
→ Helping them avoid surprises

Because when you practice up-management well,
you earn freedom.
You stop getting micromanaged.
You get pulled into real decisions.
You start getting seen differently—like someone who gets the bigger picture.

A few ways to start:
✅ Keep a shared doc with live updates—they’ll never have to chase
✅ Ask: “What could I do this week to make your job easier?”
✅ Offer a possible fix with every issue—even a rough one is better than none

How to Make Meetings More Effective?

It’s 13:58.
You’ve just spent 58 minutes nodding, bouncing ideas, feeling like “𝘸𝘦’𝘳𝘦 𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦.”

Then someone says:
“𝘚𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘶𝘯, 𝘯𝘦𝘹𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭’𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 — 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘬𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭”

𝗖𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗸.
𝗦𝗶𝗹𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲.
You stare at your screen, slightly dazed, mildly irritated, already bracing for the next one.
And it hits you:
𝗗𝗶𝗱 𝘄𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝘁𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴?
Who’s doing what? By when?

We’ve all been there many times.

It wasn’t really a meeting.
It was a conversation with a calendar invite.
And conversations — without clarity — don’t drive results.

Here’s the fix:

📌 In the last 3 minutes, ask:

  1. 𝙒𝙝𝙤 is doing something?
  2. 𝙒𝙝𝙖𝙩 exactly are they doing?
  3. 𝘽𝙮 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 will it be done?

Then start your next meeting by checking in on those three.

When meetings end with 𝗱𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝘄𝗻𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽,
you’ll need fewer of them — and get more done.

And the holy grail?
You might even get to say the sexiest line in corporate life:
“𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘢𝘴 𝘸𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺.”

You don’t even have to be the host.
Just say:
“𝘏𝘦𝘺, 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘦’𝘳𝘦 𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘐 𝘴𝘶𝘨𝘨𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘳𝘢𝘱 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘸𝘩𝘰’𝘴 𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘺 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯?”

Try it once. Your future self will thank you.

Handling Passive-Aggressive Behavior as a Manager

It was the sigh for me.

That long, dramatic exhale in the middle of our meeting—the kind that doesn’t need words to say:

“Let’s not pretend we like each other, and finish this meeting asap.”
The kind that makes you feel uncomfortable and awkward.

And what did I do?
I smiled.
Nodded.
Acted like all was well.

This was early in my leadership career, and back then, my go-to strategy for dealing with passive-aggressive behavior was… well, 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗲𝘅𝘁𝗿𝗮 𝗻𝗶𝗰𝗲.

I didn’t want to make it worse.
Didn’t want to seem harsh or overly “bossy.”
I wanted to keep the relationship strong.

But here’s what I’ve learned since:
𝗔𝘃𝗼𝗶𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗲𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗿.

Because the more I ignored it, the more it showed up.
And the more I stayed silent, the harder it became to speak up.

Today, I handle it differently.

I say something like:
“Hey—I sensed a bit of tension in our last conversation. Can we talk about it?”

Curious.
Calm.
Clear.

It’s not about calling someone 𝘰𝘶𝘵.
It’s about calling them 𝘪𝘯.

Because leadership isn’t about being liked at all costs.
It’s about creating relationships rooted in respect—and the kind of honesty that actually builds trust.

The Power of Your Expectations

How much do you really believe in your team’s potential?

The expectations you set for them could be the difference between success and stagnation.

The Pygmalion Effect shows us that when you expect your team to succeed, they’re more likely to do so.

But the Golem Effect tells us the opposite:
If you expect little, your team may underperform—whether you intend that or not.

I wish I knew about these effects a few years ago, as they’re very real.

Your beliefs can either limit or amplify your team’s growth.

High expectations encourage initiative, creativity, and responsibility.
Low expectations breed hesitation and a lack of engagement.

To maximize your team’s potential, focus on the power of your belief in them.

Challenge yourself:
Are you empowering your team through trust and high expectations?
Or are you holding them back with doubt?

🔺Are you looking for an incompany management training? I’d love to discuss this further!

Mistakes Can Happen – How Do You Deal With Them?

We sent out our first SHAPE YOUR FUTURE mailing list yesterday to 100+ people… and opened with “Hey [Name]”.
Yup. The classic.

Apparently, the first name wasn’t automatically filled in.. Now, if you’d known me in my past life as a perfectionist manager, this would’ve triggered a meltdown.


Back then, I had a 𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘸𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘦𝘮𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘴 or die trying policy. Typos? I could spot them from space. A double space between two words? I’d rewrite the whole thing.

But something funny happened yesterday: I smiled. Then laughed.
And then I turned to our own leadership model.

💨 Air helped me put it into perspective. It’s just a silly mistake. No babies cried.
💧 Water reminded me to be kind to myself. “Hey, it happens.”

These moments are where (personal) leadership begins.


Not in doing everything right, but in how we respond when things go wrong.


Mistakes? They’re inevitable. The real question is: What can I learn from this?

If that kind of leadership resonates with you, come join @anouk and me. 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗥𝗶𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗘𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁 – our next one-day training – is happening September 19th at The Hoorneboeg.


We’ll explore how to lead with more empathy, compassion and connection – even when your email says “Hey [Name]”.


We still have a few spots left. DM me for more information or check out or website www.shapeyourfuture.info.

Feedback and Growth: What Most Professionals Get Wrong

Picture this moment we’ve all had…

You just finished a big client presentation.
The energy in the room was great. People were nodding. You’re feeling proud.

Then someone leans in and says,
“Hey… you’ve got toilet paper stuck to your shoe.”

Your smile drops.
And suddenly, you don’t feel so confident anymore.

You start judging the person who told you.
You think about how they’re always late.
How their own work isn’t perfect.
And for days, you stay annoyed—not about the paper, but about them pointing it out.

Sounds silly, right?
Of course you’d want to know.
You’d fix it, maybe laugh, and move on.

But when someone points out something more personal?
That’s when it gets hard.

“You talk over people.”
“Your follow-through isn’t great.”
“You seem disconnected in meetings.”

And just like that, your brain kicks in:
Who are they to say that?
They don’t know what I’m dealing with.
Look who’s talking.

I’ve done it too.
Getting defensive instead of listening.
Focusing on who said it instead of what they said.

And here’s what I’ve learned:
When feedback feels personal, it can trigger something deeper.
It touches the part of us that worries we’re not good enough.
So we push it away.
But that reaction is what keeps us stuck.

It holds us back from growing.
From getting promoted.
From seeing the things everyone else already sees.

Here’s what helped me:

1️⃣ Pause. Don’t react right away.
2️⃣ Ask: “Is there a bit of truth in this?”
3️⃣ Write it down. Look at it again tomorrow with fresh eyes.

You don’t have to agree with every piece of feedback.
But if you never take a moment to really hear it,
you might miss the one thing that could help you move forward.

How To Stop Negativity From Spreading In Your Team

Negativity spreads fast.

One complaint turns into a group venting session.
One frustration becomes the team’s mood.

I’ve seen it happen. And as a manager, it can make you feel powerless.

Especially when the frustration is about things outside your control—like salaries, company policies, or strategic decisions made higher up.

You don’t want to silence people. They have the right to voice concerns.
At the same time, research shows that some ways of dealing with negativity—like avoidance, suppression, or manipulation—only make things worse. Instead of resolving tension, these approaches allow negativity to fester or resurface in unproductive ways.

So, how do you manage it?

1. Acknowledge, but don’t amplify

Let people vent, but don’t fuel the fire.
“I hear you. This is frustrating. What do you think we can do within our control?”
Redirect the conversation toward action.

2. Reframe the narrative

Negativity thrives in a vacuum. If people lack context, they assume the worst.
As a manager, you can help reframe the situation:
“I get why this feels unfair, but here’s the bigger picture…”

This is called reappraisal—shifting how we interpret a situation. Studies show that once a new perspective spreads among 25-40% of a group, the rest will likely adopt it too.

3. Set the emotional tone

Your team will take cues from you. Stay calm, steady, and constructive.

Negativity isn’t the enemy. But letting it take over is.

Strong leaders don’t ignore emotions. They help teams process them—without getting stuck.