Bullied at work: 7 steps for victim and manager
David Buirs is a leadership and executive coach in Amsterdam. This article explains, in seven steps, what to do when you are bullied at work or when you see a colleague being bullied. It also shows managers how to spot and address bullying.
Bullying at work rarely happens out loud. It lives in the sighs, the eye rolls, the empty seat at lunch.
According to Dutch research bodies TNO and CBS, around 5 percent of employees face bullying at work each year. It costs employers hundreds of millions in absenteeism.
If you are bullied at work, it helps to respond calmly, name it, and find support. As a manager, it is harder. You often do not see it.
Below are seven steps. For the person it happens to, the person who witnesses it, and the person who leads a team where it plays out.
1. Know the Difference Between Hard Debate and Bullying
A hard discussion about the facts is healthy. Emotions can be part of it.
Patrick Lencioni describes in his work on teams that real commitment comes after real conflict. Without that conflict you get fake harmony. People nod along and then do nothing.
Ridicule is another matter. Belittling someone for their opinion. Sighing when they speak. Cutting people off before they finish.
A joke is fine. We all sense when something slowly turns into bullying. That is the point where you step in.
2. Being Bullied Yourself? Respond Calmly and Keep a Record
Does someone make a remark that crosses a line? Stay calm. Say quietly: "I didn't catch that. Could you repeat it?"
That one question often makes the other person uncomfortable. Saying it out loud again exposes the remark.
Also, do not laugh along when they make jokes at your expense. Laughing along feels easy in the moment. It only gives the bully more room.
Keep a log as well. Date, what happened, who was there. This makes a pattern visible.
Find support from a confidant, your manager, or HR. You do not have to carry this alone.
3. Seeing It Happen to Someone Else? Do Not Look Away
Bystanders help decide whether bullying continues. The larger the group, the smaller the chance that anyone speaks up. Everyone looks at someone else.
Break that pattern. Name what you see in the moment. A simple line like "that is not how we treat each other here" is enough.
If that feels too hard in the group, go to your colleague later. Let them know you saw it. That makes a world of difference to someone who feels alone.
4. As a Manager: Ask About It, Because You Almost Never See It
I once heard only a year after someone had left that this person had been bullied by colleagues. It was terrible. I had missed it.
Since then I know: you have to ask. Regularly, every time.
A question that works in your one-on-one: "On a scale of 0 to 10, how accepted do you feel in the team?" A 6 tells you more than ten polite answers. Dig deeper at anything below an 8.
5. As a Manager: Name the Behavior One on One First
See someone belittling others? Start privately. Stay concrete. "I saw you roll your eyes when Sam made a suggestion."
Name the behavior, skip the label. Many people have no idea how they come across. A calm, direct conversation often solves more than you expect.
6. As a Manager: Have the Conversation About How You Treat Each Other
If the behavior continues, it becomes a team conversation. Set the norm clearly. Disagreement is welcome, even wanted. Belittling has no place here.
Watch the other extreme too. I have seen teams where someone made a fairly innocent remark. And the other person marched off to HR on their high horse. You want to avoid that just as much.
An open conversation about conduct helps both sides. You agree together on how you give feedback here. And how you respond when you disagree with something.
7. As a Manager: Be Firm, Even With Your Best People
If your best employee belittles others, it is time for a serious talk. Talent is no free pass.
If that conversation does not help, I would think hard about whether this person fits your company.
Bullying hits people hard psychologically. They lose their confidence, sleep badly, call in sick. As a leader, you may be very firm on this.
A toxic employee is one of the biggest cost items there is. The whole environment feels the strain. You see it in lower productivity, higher turnover, more sick days. Keeping one person can cost you a whole team.
Bullying rarely stops on its own. It stops when someone has the courage to name it. As a victim, as a bystander, or as a leader who truly sees their team.
And that last part can be learned. For leaders who want to grow stronger in this personally, leadership guidance is a logical step. At director level, executive coaching adds depth.
If you want to train these skills in a focused way, a 1-on-1 leadership course is a good fit.
Is something playing out in your team that you would like to talk through? Plan a free introduction. No obligation.
