What your team thinks when you brush off criticism

Someone on your team tells you that you got something wrong. Notice what happens in your body. Your shoulders tense. Your breath gets shorter. And within half a second there is a defense ready that you did not even consciously build.

That is a normal reaction. When your team criticizes you, it rarely feels good. You are supposed to know, and then someone who works under you points at something you missed. It feels like an attack on your authority. There is a better way to handle it.

Culture shapes how criticism feels

Where you lead matters here. Some cultures are far more hierarchical than others. In places like Japan, South Korea, and much of the Middle East, the distance between a leader and their team is wide. Openly telling your boss they got something wrong can make them lose face. In those settings, criticism from below is rare and loaded.

The Netherlands is at the other end. Dutch teams tend to speak up. If people think something is going wrong, it is quite normal for them to say so directly, and this article is written with that Dutch context in mind. That kind of openness is worth a lot, even on the days it is hard to hear.

Handling that criticism in an emotionally grounded way, rather than feeling your ego bruised, can be a sign of maturity. That does not mean bruised is wrong. You cannot always control your reactions, and you do not have to. What follows are ways you can work with it.

What giving criticism actually costs the other person

Think first about what is happening on the other side of the table. Someone who gives you constructive feedback is taking a risk. They know you might get angry. They know you are their manager, and that this conversation could go badly for them.

They do it anyway. They hand you something you might not have known, something that could help you grow. That is no small act.

It just does not feel that way. In the moment it feels like an attack, not a gift. Sometimes it is an attack. But far more often, someone is trying to give you something valuable and risked something to do it. Once you see that, you no longer have an opponent in front of you. You have someone who cares enough about the work to stick their neck out.

The two traps when you receive criticism

Once the first emotion settles, two extremes are waiting. Both of them undermine you.

The first is the defensive reflex. You explain why the other person has it wrong. You defend your choice. This feels like protecting yourself, and it does the opposite.

The second trap is surrender. You nod too fast, you over-apologize, you collapse completely. "You are totally right, sorry, I do everything wrong." This looks vulnerable and open, and it is too much of a good thing. You give your own judgment no room, and the other person loses track of where you stand.

The way through is in the middle. Let it settle for a moment. You do not have to respond right away. A pause, a breath, and then an honest reply is stronger than either extreme.

The colleague who always digs in

Think of someone you know. A colleague who goes on the defensive at every remark. Who always has a reason why it is not their fault. Who rarely admits a mistake.

What do you think of that person? Probably something a little less positive. You trust them a bit less. And at some point you stop giving them honest feedback, because what is the point.

That is exactly what happens to you when you show that reaction. Your team sees it. They say nothing, but they remember it. And the next time, they keep quiet. That is the leader you do not want to be. Nobody sees someone who digs in as strong. They see someone who is afraid to be affected.

Adam Grant's triage: who do you listen to?

Not all criticism carries the same weight. Organizational psychologist Adam Grant offers a clear filter for deciding when to really open up. He asks three questions about the person giving you the feedback.

One: does this person know what they are talking about? Do they have the knowledge or experience to say something meaningful here?

Two: does this person have your best interests at heart? Does the remark come from care, or from something else?

Three: does this person know you? Have they seen you in action, do they know how you work?

If the answer to all three is yes, this is feedback to take seriously. It comes from someone with knowledge, good intentions, and a view of what you do. If one of the three is missing, you can weigh the remark more lightly. You still listen, you just let it count for less. That filter gives you calm. You know where to stay sharp and where to be gentler with yourself.

Admitting the criticism is right makes you stronger

Here is the biggest misconception. Many leaders believe that admitting criticism is right weakens their position. The opposite holds true.

Grant calls this the second score. The first score is the criticism itself. The second score is how you handle it. And that is the score people really judge you on. The moment someone gives you feedback, they have already assessed you. What they are watching now is whether you are open or defensive.

When others agree with the criticism, and that is often the case, you strengthen your position precisely by showing self-reflection. By letting them see that you are thinking about it. By admitting that it is partly right and doing something with it.

That is what stays with people. Not the mistake you made, but how you responded when someone named it. A leader who takes criticism calmly and acts on it gains authority. A leader who digs in loses it.

When your team criticizes you: putting it into practice

Start by slowing your reaction down. When the criticism comes in, take one breath and say something simple: "Thank you for telling me. I will think about it."

Then run through Grant's three questions. Does this person know the subject, do they have good intentions, do they know you? That decides how much weight you give the feedback.

Next, check whether others see it too. Ask people you trust. Often the remark turns out to be more widely shared than you thought. Then come back to it and let the person know what you did with their feedback. That is the moment criticism turns into trust. The next time, they dare to be honest again, and that is exactly what you need as a leader.

This is work you can train. In my management coaching we look together at your reflexes and how you change them. For leaders at director level, coaching for executives is a logical deepening. And for a leader who wants to train this skill in a focused way, a 1-on-1 leadership training is a strong next step.

In closing

Getting criticism as a leader will never become fully comfortable. It does not have to. What matters is what you do in the seconds after it arrives. Not collapsing, not digging in, letting it settle and then looking honestly.

The leaders who come to me often discover the same thing. Once they start seeing criticism as information, their team opens up. And they become a better version of themselves, seen by the people who work with them.

Interested or curious? Let's chat. Plan your free introduction here.