How to Become a Better Manager? Start With Your Blind Spot

David Buirs - Leadership Coach & Management Trainer

Why Bad Managers Sleep So Well

David Buirs is a leadership and executive coach in Amsterdam. This article answers the question: how to become a better manager? You will learn why self-image and behaviour drift apart, and how one question asked to four people reveals your blind spot.

Everyone has had one. You barely finish the question and the story is already coming. The nickname the team used in private. The meetings where people went quiet. That heavy feeling on Sunday evening.

Chances are that manager tells a very different story. Busy year, good team, the odd difficult character.

Anyone asking how to become a better manager usually starts with skills. Planning, delegating, giving feedback. While the real work begins somewhere else. In the gap between what you see and what your team sees. As long as you miss that gap, there is no reason to work on it.

The Research That Stings a Little

Tasha Eurich spent years researching this. Around 95 percent of people consider themselves fairly self-aware. Measured against real criteria, roughly ten to fifteen percent qualify.

The gap is also widest among the people least likely to notice it. Spotting a weakness in yourself requires exactly the skill you are missing.

Which is why the manager doing the most damage often sleeps best. While the one lying awake at 2am replaying a single conversation is usually the one the team trusts.

Do you lie awake with questions like that sometimes? Honestly, that is a good sign.

A Blind Spot Says Nothing About Your Character

Still, many managers get defensive right here. Blind spot sounds like an accusation.

In reality it is simple mechanics. You know your intentions from the inside. Everyone else only sees your behaviour. You know you cut that question short because your head was full of tomorrow's deadline. Your colleague only saw someone cutting her off.

That is how you become the manager in someone else's story while doing your best. It happens to almost everyone who leads.

Power makes it worse. Dacher Keltner at Berkeley showed that holding power erodes your ability to read other people. People contradict their manager less, so the daily correction falls away. Nobody frowns at the person who writes their review.

The Question That Closes the Gap

A formal 360 takes months, and by then everything has been sanded smooth. There is a simpler way. Find four people and ask them the same question: "What is the one thing I should work on?"

Someone from your team. A peer. Your own manager. And the person who has been around longest.

Then comes the hardest part. Keeping your mouth shut.

The first answer is almost always polite. Say thank you, wait, then calmly ask: "What else?" That is where the real answer lives.

More happens here than gathering information. Your team watches a manager ask a question with something at stake. That builds more trust than three offsites combined.

What to Do With the Answers

Lay the four answers side by side and look for the common thread. Three people describing three different situations are often describing the same behaviour.

Pick one thing. Really one. Whoever tries to fix five habits at once fixes none.

Then tell your team what you picked. "You said I interrupt people in meetings. I am working on it. Tell me when it happens."

That last sentence does all the work. What used to be discussed behind your back is now a shared project. I have coached managers whose team atmosphere turned around within a quarter. What made the difference was people seeing their manager dare to look at themselves.

The Part That Takes Courage

Some of what comes back will feel unfair. Someone describes a version of you built on that one terrible week in March. Everything in you wants to explain. Hold off. Whoever defends themselves never gets an honest answer again.

Let the comment rest and look for an echo of it in the other answers. Sometimes an unfair comment is a fair one in bad packaging.

And some answers will land hard, precisely because deep down you already knew. Those are the valuable ones.

Joseph Campbell said it long ago: the cave you fear holds the treasure you seek. For managers, that cave is usually just a conversation.

So, How to Become a Better Manager?

The managers who see themselves most clearly have made a habit of it. Ten minutes at the end of a rough week is enough. Which conversation did I avoid. Where did I get defensive. Who left that meeting smaller than they walked in.

Just a manager willing to look in the mirror now and then. That alone puts you in the top fifteen percent.

This kind of work goes faster with someone beside you who has led teams for years. That is the core of leadership guidance: mapping the blind spot together and training what takes its place. For leaders at director level, where honest feedback has often dried up, executive coaching is a logical next step.

Curious about your own blind spot? Plan your free introduction here. Zero obligation.

How to Connect With Your Team Through Real Listening

David Buirs | Leadership Expert

How to Really Connect With Your Team

David Buirs is a leadership and executive coach based in Amsterdam. This article explains why most managers think they’re listening to their team while their team experiences it differently. You will read about the gap between reactive and real listening, what that gap costs you, and which concrete questions open up the conversation.

Your team has noticed something about you that you haven’t.

In most of the conversations you have with them, you’re not fully there. Not gone. Just somewhere behind your own eyes, three sentences ahead, ready with your answer. They feel it. Most of them won’t say it.

That’s the gap between thinking you connect with your team and actually doing it.

Two monologues pretending to be a conversation

In most workplace conversations, two people take turns talking about themselves.

Someone tells you something about a project. You wait politely until they’re done, then jump in with something similar from your own experience. Or worse, with a solution they hadn’t asked for. Or worse still, with the next agenda item you had ready before they walked in.

Everyone has talked. Everyone has the impression a conversation took place. Nobody has learned anything.

Why you think you’re listening when you’re not

Listening is a skill almost everyone thinks they’re good at. In practice, most managers listen mainly to respond. Actually understanding comes second, if it comes at all.

The difference is where your head is. With real listening, you’re with the other person. With reactive listening, you’re with your next sentence. With your judgment. With the solution. With how it fits into your schedule.

To you, both feel like listening. To the other person, only the first feels like being heard.

What it costs your team

People only bring problems to someone who actually listens.

If a team member tries three times to put a vague beginning of something in front of you, and you keep responding before they’re halfway through, they won’t try a fourth time. They’ll tell you when it’s too late. Or not at all.

Same goes for feedback about you. For doubts about a decision. For the real reason someone has quietly been putting less energy into the work over the past few weeks.

What a team doesn’t tell you is almost always the most important thing happening.

What listening actually is

Real listening is different from being quiet while someone else talks. Being quiet is waiting your turn. Listening is emptying your head and letting the other person in.

That doesn’t work when you’re thinking about three other things. That doesn’t work with a phone on the table. That doesn’t work when you have to be in the next meeting in two minutes.

It requires a kind of slowness most work environments don’t reward. But it’s the basic condition for everything that falls under leadership.

Questions that open up the conversation

A few questions I often give people:

What makes that important to you?

How did you end up there?

What would a good outcome look like for you?

What are you actually trying to say?

That last one is underrated. Someone comes to you with a long build-up. You feel something underneath it. Ask.

What happens when you practice this

In the beginning, not much. A conversation runs a little longer. Someone doesn’t consciously notice you’re different, but they tell you a bit more.

After a few months, something happens. People come to you with problems earlier. They’ve sensed somewhere, without consciously thinking about it, that it’s worth talking to you.

The senior person on your team starts pushing back at you. They used to do that only with peers. Now they do it with you too, which actually means you’re being seen for the first time as someone who can handle it.

Someone comes to you about workload pressure two weeks earlier than they normally would. That saves you a good employee.

What it asks of you

An uncomfortable amount of slow attention.

You’re not going to make it to your next meeting through your one-on-ones anymore. You’re going to have to let moments of silence stand without immediately filling them. You’re going to have to sit in something uncomfortable sometimes, without smoothing it over with a quick “yeah, got it, so what you can do is…”.

What you build over time is a kind of calm inside yourself. Techniques don’t get you there.

How you develop that calm internally is a different story. I wrote a separate piece about how to develop leadership presence from a quieter internal place. For this article, what counts is this: the decision to listen better, and the practice of it, does more than any communication course.

The leaders I work with through management coaching often struggle with exactly this. Their team describes them as solid communicators. The real work sits deeper. They have never learned how to actually be present in a conversation. For organizations that want this addressed across their leadership layer, leadership training offers the team version of the same principle.

Plan a free introduction here. Zero obligation.

The Mindset Shift That Transforms Leadership: Moving Beyond Criticism

David Buirs - Leadership- & Executive Coach

“That’s not gonna work, because…”

I used to say that often. Made me feel good. Like I was the one who caught what others didn’t.

I did it even with the teams I was leading.

Lots of self-reflection and feedback later, I saw what I was actually doing: trying to sound smart. Point out the flaw, drop criticism, walk away. No real contribution. It led me to a leadership mindset shift.

Spotting risks is still important. Some people lean too optimistic, and having someone who notices the weak spots keeps things balanced. But without ideas for what will work, you’re not helping anyone move forward. Guiltyyyyy.

Now I try to pause and ask myself:
“What part of this could actually work?”
“How can we tweak the part that doesn’t work, so that it does?”

It shifts the whole dynamic of the conversation. More challenging, but also much more rewarding. Moves problems forward, builds more ownership within the teams you lead.

Less I, more We.

Ready for your leadership mindset shift? Schedule a free introduction call here: https://davidbuirs.com/contact/ and let’s chat.

How Important is Productivity in Leadership?

I had a coaching session recently that brought back something personal.
I used to lead with one priority: get things done. Task-first. No small talk. Just results.

“Blue/Red” on DISC, if you know it.
Back then, I saw work as a series of checklists. What mattered was getting through them as efficiently as possible.
But that mindset, left unchecked, costs more than it gives.

Because one day, I asked myself:
If I do this for 40 years—just execute, just produce—what’s left at the end?
A clean inbox?
We spend most of our waking life at work. If we don’t build relationships there—if we don’t create meaning—what are we really doing?

I’ve learned that leadership isn’t about squeezing every drop of output from your day.
It’s about being kind. Honest. Doing work that matters.

No one follows a checklist. They follow someone they believe in.
If you’re stuck in a perpetual “just get it done” mode, take a breath.
Then ask: what actually matters?

Kindness or Pleasing?

You helped, smiled, nodded… and walked away annoyed.
We’ve all done it.

When we please, we’re often hoping for something in return. Approval, respect, appreciation.
But when that return doesn’t come, we’re left feeling used, bitter, or just plain tired.

That’s because pleasing isn’t kindness.
It’s a quiet transaction, disguised as niceness.
And when it fails, the emotional cost is yours alone.

Kindness, by contrast, is clean. It gives without expectation, and feels lighter, not heavier.

In leadership, the difference isn’t academic.
One builds trust. The other erodes it silently.

Have you caught yourself doing the second, when you meant the first?

What if your biggest sign of worth isn’t your car, title, or the number on your pay check?

David Buirs | Leadership Coach & Management Trainer

What if it’s your personality?

What if we worried more about living a life always trying to fit in, instead of worrying about person X’s opinion on our slide deck?
What if we lay awake at night because we failed to make everyone in our team feel heard, not because we missed our (still important) quarterly objectives?
What if we feared going through life always wearing a mask, instead of being judged by people who don’t know us well?

What if we swapped some Instagram scrolling for a few pages of a thought-provoking book?
What if some of the time we spend in the gym, at the hairdresser, or shopping for clothes went into strengthening our character?

This idea runs through Nietzsche’s work (minus Instagram, the gym, and the hairdresser 😉):
Creating the self—your character—as a work of art.
Not to gain acceptance or respect from others.
Not modelled on how you think others want to see you.
But in the way you want to. Your unique personal style.

Not style as in how you dress, but the deepest expression of your values, commitments, and way of being.

This process takes reflection, courage, and the willingness to face challenges.
Less worrying about people’s opinions. More following your passions and self-expression.
Less uniformity and mediocrity. More uniqueness and creativity.
More life-affirmation, humour, and courage. Less playing safe.

But what about my numbers and KPIs?
I believe this path often turns you into someone others want to follow.
And then your KPIs tend to follow too.

How To Deal With Anger At Work

𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵’𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘢𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳?

When people got angry at or around me, I used to feel very uncomfortable.

Today, I practice a different response: 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘀𝗶𝘁𝘆.

Anger can feel like an attack, but it’s rarely random.
In fact, anger often has a clear purpose—conscious or not.

People get angry because they’re trying to achieve something.

• Maybe they want you to stop doing something.
• Maybe they’re trying to control the situation.
• Maybe they’re protecting their ego, their reputation, or something they deeply care about.

Here’s the proof that anger is goal-driven and not just uncontrollable emotion:

▪️ 𝗜𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗮 𝗱𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿𝗼𝘂𝘀-𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗮𝗻 𝗯𝘂𝗺𝗽𝘀 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗮𝘁 𝗮 𝗳𝗼𝗼𝘁𝗯𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵.
Does the person yell at them? No—because their goal in that moment is safety, not confrontation.

▪️ 𝗡𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗮 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗱𝗲𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘀 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗱𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸.
Do most people explode with anger? No—because their goal is likely to maintain their job and reputation, even if they disagree.

If anger were uncontrollable, people would snap in these situations too. But they don’t.
𝗔𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗶𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘂𝘀 𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗲𝘃𝗲 𝗮 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗰 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹.

The next time a colleague gets angry at you, take a breath.

Instead of snapping back, ask yourself:
𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁’𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿?

Are they trying to feel heard? Are they trying to protect something?

This shift from defensiveness to curiosity helps you take control of the situation.

𝗥𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗼𝗼: curiosity has been shown to deactivate the threat response in our brain, allowing us to engage more calmly and constructively in conflict. It’s also linked to higher emotional intelligence, better relationships, and more effective conflict resolution.

This doesn’t mean tolerating bad behavior—boundaries are still crucial.
But when you see anger as a sign of unmet needs rather than a personal attack, you stop reacting and start responding thoughtfully.

So next time someone gets angry, pause and ask:

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁’𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹?

You’ll be surprised how much clarity—and calm—you gain.

Other People’s Opinion of You… Theirs or Yours?

You know that team member that thinks you lack the experience?

Or the colleague that thinks your meeting contributions don’t add value?

It stings, doesn’t it?

Now, consider this..

Deep down, there’s a good chance you believe these things about yourself              .

We often project our own hidden insecurities onto others.
We assume they see the worst in us because we do.
And when someone’s behavior even faintly matches our fear, it feels like confirmation.

For example:
Imagine someone who secretly believes they’re unworthy of love.
They might think others dislike them, avoid them, or find them boring.
To compensate, they become people pleasers—saying yes to everything, constantly seeking approval.

And when someone cancels plans or rejects their offer to help?
It cuts deep.
Not because of the action itself, but because it echoes that hidden belief:
I’m not worthy.

Now, think about this:
If someone insulted your blue hair but you didn’t have blue hair, you couldn’t care less.
It wouldn’t resonate.
But when a comment mirrors your own fears? It hurts.

So, how can we break this cycle?

The next time you think, “They must believe this about me,” pause.
Ask yourself: Could this be something I believe about myself?

Instead of being upset with them, turn inward.

Reflect:

  • Do I truly believe this about myself?
  • Can I be absolutely sure it’s true?
  • If not -is this belief helping me?

If it isn’t, start building a new belief—one rooted in kindness and compassion towards yourself.

This shift won’t happen overnight.
But with patience, you can rewrite the narrative.

And the world will start reflecting the version of you that you choose to believe in.

❤️