Handling Passive-Aggressive Behavior as a Manager

It was the sigh for me.

That long, dramatic exhale in the middle of our meeting—the kind that doesn’t need words to say:

“Let’s not pretend we like each other, and finish this meeting asap.”
The kind that makes you feel uncomfortable and awkward.

And what did I do?
I smiled.
Nodded.
Acted like all was well.

This was early in my leadership career, and back then, my go-to strategy for dealing with passive-aggressive behavior was… well, 𝗯𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗲𝘅𝘁𝗿𝗮 𝗻𝗶𝗰𝗲.

I didn’t want to make it worse.
Didn’t want to seem harsh or overly “bossy.”
I wanted to keep the relationship strong.

But here’s what I’ve learned since:
𝗔𝘃𝗼𝗶𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗿𝗮𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗲𝘀 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗿.

Because the more I ignored it, the more it showed up.
And the more I stayed silent, the harder it became to speak up.

Today, I handle it differently.

I say something like:
“Hey—I sensed a bit of tension in our last conversation. Can we talk about it?”

Curious.
Calm.
Clear.

It’s not about calling someone 𝘰𝘶𝘵.
It’s about calling them 𝘪𝘯.

Because leadership isn’t about being liked at all costs.
It’s about creating relationships rooted in respect—and the kind of honesty that actually builds trust.

The Power of Your Expectations

How much do you really believe in your team’s potential?

The expectations you set for them could be the difference between success and stagnation.

The Pygmalion Effect shows us that when you expect your team to succeed, they’re more likely to do so.

But the Golem Effect tells us the opposite:
If you expect little, your team may underperform—whether you intend that or not.

I wish I knew about these effects a few years ago, as they’re very real.

Your beliefs can either limit or amplify your team’s growth.

High expectations encourage initiative, creativity, and responsibility.
Low expectations breed hesitation and a lack of engagement.

To maximize your team’s potential, focus on the power of your belief in them.

Challenge yourself:
Are you empowering your team through trust and high expectations?
Or are you holding them back with doubt?

🔺Are you looking for an incompany management training? I’d love to discuss this further!

Why Is My Team So Negative? An Executive Coach’s Take

David Buirs | Leadership Expert

Why Is My Team So Negative? An Executive Coach's Take

David Buirs is a leadership and executive coach in Amsterdam. This article looks at why a team becomes negative and how it spreads through a group. You learn to investigate complaints, give context, set a boundary when needed, and watch your own mood as a leader.

You walk into the Monday meeting and you can feel it before anyone speaks. The slumped shoulders. The sighs. One person mentions the new policy, and within two minutes the whole room is nodding along to everything that's wrong.

You leave drained. And a little powerless.

I've sat across from a lot of leaders dealing with exactly this. They tell me the same thing. "My team is so negative and I don't know what to do with it." Often the frustration is about things they can't control. Pay. Reorganisations. A decision made three levels up.

During my own years as director of operations, I saw it plenty. Negativity spreads through a team like an oil stain. It starts in one corner and quietly reaches everything.

Let me share what I've learned about this, because most of the standard advice gets it wrong.

Negativity Travels Faster Than You Think

There's a reason one person's bad mood becomes the team's mood by lunch.

The late Wharton professor Sigal Barsade spent her career studying this. She called it emotional contagion. Her research showed that moods spread through a group like a virus, person to person, often without anyone noticing. People catch each other's feelings the way they catch a cold.

Her studies found something else worth knowing. Negative emotions tend to spread faster and stick harder than positive ones. One frustrated voice in a meeting pulls a room down quicker than three content ones lift it.

That's the difficult part. Here's the useful part. As the leader, your mood is the most contagious one in the room. People read you first. When you stay steady, that travels too.

You can read more about her work on emotional contagion here.

First, Ask What the Negativity Is Telling You

Most managers want to make the complaining stop. I understand the urge. But there's a question worth asking before you do anything.

Is this negativity pointing at a real problem?

Sometimes a team complains because something is genuinely broken. The process is clumsy. The workload is unfair. Nobody listened the last three times they raised it. That kind of negativity is information. Shut it down and you lose your best early warning system.

Other times the complaining has become a habit. The problem faded months ago, but the venting stayed. It's become the way the group bonds. This kind feeds on itself and goes nowhere.

You handle these two very differently. So before you react, listen for which one you're dealing with.

Step One: Take the Complaints Seriously and Chase Them Down

Here's where I'd push back on a lot of soft advice. The answer to negativity is rarely a sympathetic nod and an "I hear you."

The answer is to take the complaints seriously enough to investigate them.

When someone raises a real issue, treat it as a task. Look into it. Address what you can. Then report back to the person and the team. Did you solve it? Good, say so. Couldn't fix it? Say that too, and explain why not.

This does two things at once. It shows people their concerns get acted on, not just absorbed. And it draws a clear line between problems worth raising and complaining for its own sake. People stop venting into the void when they see the void answers back.

A team that feels heard and sees movement has far less to be negative about.

Give Them the Bigger Picture

Negativity needs missing information to grow. When people don't have context, they fill the gap with the worst story they can imagine.

A reorganisation becomes "they're going to fire us." A budget cut becomes "they don't value our work."

Part of your job is to close that gap. "I understand why this feels unfair. Here's what I know about why it's happening." You won't always have a satisfying answer. Saying "I don't know yet, but I'll find out" still beats silence.

When Pay Is the Problem, Be Honest With Yourself

Some negativity is hard to argue against, and pay is the clearest example.

If people genuinely feel underpaid, you're fighting an uphill battle. No amount of context or steady leadership fully fixes the feeling of being undervalued in the bank account.

You can hold a team through this, but usually only when something else is strong. A culture people love. A purpose that means something. Real growth ahead that they believe in. Take those away and a team that feels underpaid will stay sour, no matter how well you handle the meetings. Worth being honest with yourself about which one you actually have.

Sometimes You Have to Set a Boundary

There's a version of this that coaching language tends to avoid, so I'll say it plainly.

Sometimes you do everything right and one person stays negative anyway.

You've listened. You've investigated their concerns. You've communicated back. And the complaining continues regardless, dragging on everyone around them. At that point it stops being feedback and becomes a drain on the team.

This calls for a one on one. The first time, keep it gentle. "I've noticed a lot of negativity lately, and I want to understand what's going on." Give them room.

If it continues, get clearer. Name the effect honestly. Constant negativity affects the people around them, and that's a real cost the team carries. Most people genuinely don't realise the size of their footprint on the room.

And there's an honest conversation underneath that one. If someone is deeply, persistently unhappy, no fix reaching them, it's fair to wonder whether this is the right job or the right company for them. That isn't a threat. It's taking their unhappiness seriously enough to name it.

Look at Your Own Reflection

This is the part nobody wants to hear.

Sometimes the negativity in a team has a source closer to home than we'd like. If you're quietly cynical about leadership above you, your team absorbs it. If you complain about the same policy in the corridor, you've just given them permission.

I'm not saying you cause it. I'm saying you're part of the climate, more than you realise. Barsade's work makes that uncomfortably clear.

So check yourself first. What mood are you actually bringing into that room? Because they're reading it, whether you mean them to or not.

Aim for an Honest Team, Not a Silent One

The goal was never to make everyone positive. A team that's allowed to name what's hard, and then move toward what they can change, is a healthy team.

Negativity becomes a problem when it loops with no exit. Your job is to keep opening the exit. Take the complaints seriously. Investigate them. Report back. Add context where it's missing. Set a boundary when it's needed. And mind your own mood while you do it.

Do that consistently, and something starts happenng over a few weeks. The sighing fades. People start bringing solutions instead of just symptoms. They start enjoying the work again.

That's the real marker. Engagement.

If your team has been stuck in this loop for a while and you'd like a sparring partner to think it through, that's a lot of what I do in executive coaching. And when the pattern runs through a whole department, management training tackles it at the team level.

Curious whether that's a fit? Let's have a chat. Free introduction, zero obligation.

Managing Former Peers as a New Leader

“We’re still cool, right?”
That unspoken question lingers the moment you go from peer to boss.

Yesterday, you were part of the inside jokes, the venting sessions, the after-work drinks.
Today, you’re the one approving time off, giving feedback, making tough calls.

And suddenly… things feel different.

The casual banter gets more careful.
The invites to lunch slow down.
Some teammates hold back—like they’re not sure if you’re still their friend or their boss.

That shift can feel isolating.
No one tells you how lonely leadership can be.

You can’t lead if you’re too busy trying to be liked.
A lot of new managers hesitate to set boundaries.
They soften feedback.
They avoid tough calls.

But trying to keep everyone comfortable?
That’s exactly what makes things weird.

The fix? Be clear. Be fair. Be human.

Acknowledge the shift.
Have an open conversation: “I know this is a transition for all of us. I’ll always be upfront with you.”

Set expectations early.
Create clarity—what stays the same, what will be different, and how you’ll lead.

Be consistent.
No overcorrecting. No playing favorites. Just fairness across the board.

When it seems like you have to pick between leadership and friendship, remember your real job is to guide the team. Strong relationships help, but focusing too hard on popularity pulls you away from your responsibilities.

Support matters in leadership, but so does accountability. Making tough decisions, setting boundaries, and using your authority come with the territory. Friendliness is fine, as long as it doesn’t undermine fairness or progress.

People don’t need a boss chasing popularity; they need someone they can respect. Real respect grows from clarity, fairness, and consistency—every day.

Have you been in this situation? How did you handle it?

How To Manage Underperformers

Leiderschapscoach Amsterdam | David Buirs

How to Manage Underperformers (Without Making It Worse)

David Buirs is a leadership and executive coach based in Amsterdam. This article explores how to manage underperforming team members using insights from psychology and neuroscience, including the Golem effect, the Pygmalion effect, and the role of stress in performance. It offers a practical approach built on small steps and positive reinforcement.

Every team has someone who’s falling behind. If yours doesn’t, your targets are probably too easy.

That sounds blunt. But statistically, it’s simply how performance works. In any group of people, you’ll find a natural spread. Roughly 10 to 20 percent will consistently exceed expectations. The majority will perform around the average. And a similar percentage will struggle. Performance in any team follows a normal distribution. It’s the natural outcome of putting different people with different strengths into complex environments.

The real question is what you do with it.

The Golem Effect: How Your Expectations Make It Worse

There’s a well-documented phenomenon in psychology called the Golem effect. When a manager expects someone to underperform, that expectation gets communicated. Not always in words. Sometimes through tone. Through the projects you assign. Through how much autonomy you give. Through how often you check in.

The person on the receiving end picks up on all of it. And something predictable happens: they start performing in line with your low expectations. They disengage. They stop taking initiative. They become the underperformer you assumed they were.

The Golem effect was first described by Robert Rosenthal, the same psychologist who discovered its opposite: the Pygmalion effect. When managers hold high expectations and communicate genuine belief in someone’s ability, performance goes up. People rise to meet what’s expected of them.

This means that before you address someone’s underperformance, you need to honestly examine your own assumptions. Are you managing this person as someone who’s struggling temporarily? Or have you already written them off?

What Happens in the Brain When Stress Gets Too High

Here’s something that often gets overlooked. Many underperformers aren’t lacking motivation or ability. They’re overwhelmed.

When pressure crosses a certain threshold, something happens in the brain that Daniel Goleman calls an amygdala hijack. The amygdala, the brain’s threat detection system, takes over from the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex is where you do your best thinking. Planning, reasoning, problem-solving. All of that goes offline.

What remains is fight, flight, or freeze. In a work context, that looks like someone who shuts down in meetings. Who avoids difficult tasks. Who seems to be reading the same email over and over without actually processing it. Who says yes to everything but delivers on nothing.

If you respond to this by increasing the pressure, by adding more check-ins, tighter deadlines, sharper feedback, you’re feeding the cycle. The amygdala stays activated. The prefrontal cortex stays offline. Performance drops further.

Calm Before Clarity

If someone has the motivation to improve but isn’t there yet, the most effective thing you can do is lower the temperature first.

Your standards stay the same. What changes is the conditions you create so their brain can actually function again. A conversation that starts with “I see you’re struggling, and I want to help you find a way through this” lands very differently than one that starts with a list of everything that’s going wrong.

Once there’s enough safety to think clearly, you can start working on the actual performance. And the approach that works best is surprisingly simple.

Small Steps, Positive Reinforcement

Break the work down into small, measurable goals. Specific, achievable targets that can be reviewed weekly.

When someone has lost confidence in their own ability, they need early wins. Small proof that they can still do this. Every time they hit a target, acknowledge it. Positive reinforcement rewires the brain’s reward system and rebuilds the neural pathways for motivation. The neuroscience on this is clear.

As their confidence returns, you can gradually increase the complexity. The key word is gradually. You’re rebuilding someone’s relationship with their own competence. That takes time.

When It Doesn’t Work

Sometimes, despite everything, it doesn’t work. The motivation isn’t there. The role is genuinely wrong for the person. The gap between what’s needed and what’s being delivered is too wide.

In those cases, the kindest thing you can do is be honest. A clear, respectful conversation about fit is more humane than months of low expectations, growing resentment, and a Golem effect that damages both of you.

What This Looks Like in Practice

Managing underperformers is one of the most common themes in leadership coaching. And one of the most misunderstood. Most managers either avoid the conversation entirely or handle it in a way that triggers exactly the stress response that makes things worse.

For organisations where underperformance is a pattern across multiple teams, management training offers a structural approach to raise the bar. And if you’re a senior leader navigating this at a strategic level, executive coaching provides the space to think through how you shape performance culture from the top.

Curious how this could work for your situation? Plan your free introduction here. No pressure. Just an honest conversation.

How To Feel More Empathy at Work

David Buirs Leadership Coach

The first thing I do in the morning?
Wish total strangers a happy life.

The challenge? Doing it before coffee. ☕😊

This is part of a Loving Kindness meditation (also called Metta). And it has some incredible benefits:
✔ Increases empathy & emotional intelligence
✔ Boosts happiness & reduces stress
✔ Strengthens your ability to deal with difficult people

It’s simple. Here’s how:
1️⃣ Close your eyes. Picture someone you love. Wish them happiness & health. (2 min)
2️⃣ Do the same for someone you like.
3️⃣ Now, visualize someone neutral—like a cashier who helped you.
4️⃣ Picture yourself. Yes, you deserve kindness too.
5️⃣ Think of someone you find difficult. Wish them well.
6️⃣ Finally, choose someone you really dislike. Wish them happiness, too.

Wait—why would you do that?
Not because you condone bad behavior, but because it rewires your brain for more emotional balance.

It might feel weird at first. But over time, it softens frustration and strengthens your ability to lead with compassion.

Would you ever try this? Or does it sound too out there for you? 👀

How To Deal With Anger At Work

𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵’𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘰𝘢𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘪𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘳?

When people got angry at or around me, I used to feel very uncomfortable.

Today, I practice a different response: 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘀𝗶𝘁𝘆.

Anger can feel like an attack, but it’s rarely random.
In fact, anger often has a clear purpose—conscious or not.

People get angry because they’re trying to achieve something.

• Maybe they want you to stop doing something.
• Maybe they’re trying to control the situation.
• Maybe they’re protecting their ego, their reputation, or something they deeply care about.

Here’s the proof that anger is goal-driven and not just uncontrollable emotion:

▪️ 𝗜𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲 𝗮 𝗱𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿𝗼𝘂𝘀-𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗮𝗻 𝗯𝘂𝗺𝗽𝘀 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗮𝘁 𝗮 𝗳𝗼𝗼𝘁𝗯𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗰𝗵.
Does the person yell at them? No—because their goal in that moment is safety, not confrontation.

▪️ 𝗡𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗮 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗱𝗲𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗵𝗮𝗽𝘀 𝗽𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗱𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸.
Do most people explode with anger? No—because their goal is likely to maintain their job and reputation, even if they disagree.

If anger were uncontrollable, people would snap in these situations too. But they don’t.
𝗔𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗸 𝗶𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝘂𝘀 𝗮𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗲𝘃𝗲 𝗮 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗳𝗶𝗰 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹.

The next time a colleague gets angry at you, take a breath.

Instead of snapping back, ask yourself:
𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁’𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲𝗿?

Are they trying to feel heard? Are they trying to protect something?

This shift from defensiveness to curiosity helps you take control of the situation.

𝗥𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵 𝘀𝘂𝗽𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗼𝗼: curiosity has been shown to deactivate the threat response in our brain, allowing us to engage more calmly and constructively in conflict. It’s also linked to higher emotional intelligence, better relationships, and more effective conflict resolution.

This doesn’t mean tolerating bad behavior—boundaries are still crucial.
But when you see anger as a sign of unmet needs rather than a personal attack, you stop reacting and start responding thoughtfully.

So next time someone gets angry, pause and ask:

𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁’𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗶𝗿 𝗴𝗼𝗮𝗹?

You’ll be surprised how much clarity—and calm—you gain.

Other People’s Opinion of You… Theirs or Yours?

You know that team member that thinks you lack the experience?

Or the colleague that thinks your meeting contributions don’t add value?

It stings, doesn’t it?

Now, consider this..

Deep down, there’s a good chance you believe these things about yourself              .

We often project our own hidden insecurities onto others.
We assume they see the worst in us because we do.
And when someone’s behavior even faintly matches our fear, it feels like confirmation.

For example:
Imagine someone who secretly believes they’re unworthy of love.
They might think others dislike them, avoid them, or find them boring.
To compensate, they become people pleasers—saying yes to everything, constantly seeking approval.

And when someone cancels plans or rejects their offer to help?
It cuts deep.
Not because of the action itself, but because it echoes that hidden belief:
I’m not worthy.

Now, think about this:
If someone insulted your blue hair but you didn’t have blue hair, you couldn’t care less.
It wouldn’t resonate.
But when a comment mirrors your own fears? It hurts.

So, how can we break this cycle?

The next time you think, “They must believe this about me,” pause.
Ask yourself: Could this be something I believe about myself?

Instead of being upset with them, turn inward.

Reflect:

  • Do I truly believe this about myself?
  • Can I be absolutely sure it’s true?
  • If not -is this belief helping me?

If it isn’t, start building a new belief—one rooted in kindness and compassion towards yourself.

This shift won’t happen overnight.
But with patience, you can rewrite the narrative.

And the world will start reflecting the version of you that you choose to believe in.

❤️

𝗟𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 > 𝗖𝗵𝗮𝗻𝗴𝗲 – a Formula For Success

Learning > Change

This is a formula for success.

Your 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨, the rate at which you adopt and expand your skills as leader, needs to exceed the rate at which your environment 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴.

If not, you’ll fall behind and others will pass you by.

Has your learning kept up? Are you consistently making time for personal and professional development?

Prioritizing your full inbox, however inevitable and important it might feel, is short-term thinking. And it will never get empty.

As leaders, we face bigger expectations, more complex challenges, and higher stakes.

So how do you ensure your growth stays ahead of the curve? Here are three steps:

1️⃣ Reflect Regularly
Block out time each week to review what’s working, what’s not, and what you can learn from it all.

2️⃣ Seek Feedback
Blind spots grow in the dark. Ask for candid input often—don’t wait for formal reviews.
𝘈 𝘭𝘢𝘳𝘨𝘦 𝘏𝘉𝘙 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘺 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘴: 95% 𝘰𝘧 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘧𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘦. 𝘖𝘯𝘭𝘺 10-15% 𝘢𝘳𝘦.

3️⃣ Invest in Yourself
Read, take courses, or get help. Your development isn’t a “nice-to-have” but a “must-have.”

Change is inevitable. Falling behind doesn’t have to be.

How has your learning kept pace with your changing role over the past year?

As a Leader, Do You Always Need to Have the Answer?

You’re not a search engine.

But as a new leader, it can feel like you have to be one.

Your team asks questions. Pings you on Teams. Calls. Emails. And the instinct? Respond. Immediately. Every single time.

The problem? Constant interruptions chip away at your ability to focus, and focus is what you need most as a leader.

It’s what allows you to steer the ship, plan strategically, and make thoughtful decisions for your team’s success.

When you spend your days responding to every ping and notification, you lose the time and energy for the deep thinking that drives real progress.

What can you do?

• 𝗘𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗯𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗵 𝗯𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗲𝘀: Set a daily hour of uninterrupted focus for you and your team.
• 𝗘𝗺𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝘀: Encourage your team to solve what they can without you, building their confidence along the way.
• 𝗥𝗲𝗳𝗿𝗮𝗺𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗿𝗼𝗹𝗲: Leadership is about guiding the team toward long-term success, not managing every moment.

Start protecting your focus.

It’s the key to being the leader your team needs.