David Buirs Leadership Coach
Continue readingEmpathy in Leadership: Why Most Managers Fall For the Power Paradox
The High Cost of Popularity: Why You Must Stop Being a People Pleaser at Work
Leadership coach discussing why managers should stop being a people pleaser at work to gain authentic respect.
Continue readingHow to Handle Criticism at Work
How to handle criticism at work… It’s a question I often get. My reply: ๐ช๐ต๐ฎ๐ ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ฑ๐ฏ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ผ๐ป๐น๐ ๐ต๐๐ฟ๐๐ ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐ฐ๐ฎ๐๐๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ ๐น๐ฎ๐ฏ๐ฒ๐น ๐ถ๐?
Two people hear the same sentence from their boss. One feels judged. The other feels motivated. The words are identical. The reaction isnโt. Why?
Because the label, criticism or feedback, canโt be found in the words. Itโs created in the mind of the receiver.
This is where the real power lies. You decide how much weight to give feedback. Some of it will be clumsy. Some will be unfair. Some will be pure gold. If you can sort, not absorb everything, you win. To take what serves you, and let the rest pass.
We often forget no one is perfect. Not you, not me, not the person giving feedback. Weโre all trying our best, often imperfectly. Holding onto the illusion that you should look flawless makes feedback feel like a personal attack. Drop the illusion, and feedback becomes easier to hear.
Because in the end, the leaders who grow are not the ones who protect their image. Theyโre the ones who keep asking, โWhat can I learn here?โ Over time, that choice changes everything.
Of course, this change doesnโt happen overnight. Curiosity is a muscle, and muscles strengthen slowly. So hereโs an invitation: over the next five months, practice trading a little defensiveness for a little more curiosity each time feedback comes your way.
๐ ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ต ๐ฌ โ ๐ญ๐ฌ๐ฌ% ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ: โI donโt think thatโs accurate.โ
๐ ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ต ๐ญ โ ๐ด๐ฌ% ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ / ๐ฎ๐ฌ% ๐ฐ๐๐ฟ๐ถ๐ผ๐๐: โI donโt really agree with thatโฆ but can you give me an example?โ
๐ ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ต ๐ฎ โ ๐ฒ๐ฌ% ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ / ๐ฐ๐ฌ% ๐ฐ๐๐ฟ๐ถ๐ผ๐๐: โThat feels off to me. What do you see that makes you say it?โ
๐ ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ต ๐ฏ โ ๐ฐ๐ฌ% ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ / ๐ฒ๐ฌ% ๐ฐ๐๐ฟ๐ถ๐ผ๐๐: โItโs hard to hear, though I think there may be truth in it. Can you tell me more?โ
๐ ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ต ๐ฐ โ ๐ฎ๐ฌ% ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ / ๐ด๐ฌ% ๐ฐ๐๐ฟ๐ถ๐ผ๐๐: โI hadnโt thought of it that way. What else are you noticing?โ
๐ ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ต ๐ฑ โ ๐ฌ% ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ป๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ / ๐ญ๐ฌ๐ฌ% ๐ฐ๐๐ฟ๐ถ๐ผ๐๐: โThatโs helpful. Whatโs one thing I could do differently next time?โ
So…how to handle criticism at work? With curiosity.
Five months of practice might feel small now, but in five years, it could be the reason your career looks entirely different.
How to Handle Performance Reviews Without Losing Trust as a New Manager
Clammy hands. Lead in your shoes. A conversation you donโt want to have.
You feel your team member has been underperforming this year. Youโve been struggling with what to tell him. The rating youโre giving him means no salary increase. You know he disagrees and that the conversation might escalate.
You prepare for an unpleasant experience. Hoping for the best.
<<pause here>>
Performance reviews. Still used in many companies, and about as fun as getting a root canal.
But they donโt have to be.
What can help you make these conversations easier?
๐ฆ๐ฒ๐ ๐ฐ๐น๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฟ ๐ฎ๐ป๐ฑ ๐บ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐๐๐ฟ๐ฎ๐ฏ๐น๐ฒ ๐ด๐ผ๐ฎ๐น๐.
Without these, itโs hard to fairly assess their performance, and explain your decision.
๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐ป๐๐ถ๐ป๐๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฐ๐ผ๐ป๐๐๐ฟ๐๐ฐ๐๐ถ๐๐ฒ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฒ๐ฑ๐ฏ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐๐ต๐ฟ๐ผ๐๐ด๐ต-๐ผ๐๐ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฟ.
There should be no surprises during a performance review conversation. It should be a high-level summary of all performance related conversations that year. Most of us postpone feedback because we fear confrontation. The reason? The incorrect assumption that giving feedback is a negative thing. Itโs not. Giving constructive feedback is an essential part of your work, and necessary for your team to grow.
๐๐ผ๐ปโ๐ ๐ณ๐ฒ๐ฎ๐ฟ ๐๐ต๐ฒ๐ถ๐ฟ ๐ฒ๐บ๐ผ๐๐ถ๐ผ๐ป๐. ๐๐ฒ๐ ๐ด๐ผ ๐ผ๐ณ ๐๐ต๐ฒ ๐ฑ๐ฒ๐๐ถ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐๐ผ ๐ฏ๐ฒ ๐น๐ถ๐ธ๐ฒ๐ฑ.
As a manager, some decisions, like who gets which raise or promotion, will piss of certain people. That’s why it’s so important to act with clarity and integrity, setting clear goals, and being able to explain your decisions.
People might get emotional, even angry. Thatโs okay. When that happens, give them some space to either vent or let it out. During heated moments, pause talking about the topic itself, address the emotions calmy, and continue with the topic when things have settled down.
Even if you do all these things, you still might have to deliver bad news (like no raises due to budget cuts). The better you can explain your team why, the easier the conversation. And the better you understand your managementโs reasoning, the better you can pass on the message. Donโt be afraid to ask your manager all the questions you need in order to do this.
When done well, performance reviews mean your team knows what success looks like, how to get there, and how theyโll be rewarded.
When Do You Become Too Self-critical?
โIโm just holding myself to a high standard.โ
Are you?
Or are you just being harsh?
Thereโs a subtle trap many high performers fall intoโespecially new managers:
Mistaking self-criticism for motivation.
We think:
โ โIf I donโt push myself, Iโll get lazy.โ
โ โThat wasnโt good enoughโI shouldโve done better.โ
โ โI need to be tough on myself, or I wonโt improve.โ
But neuroscience and psychology tell a different story.
๐ฌ Studies show that self-compassion, not self-judgment, leads to higher resilience, motivation, and long-term growth.
Itโs not about going easy on yourself.
Itโs about not tearing yourself down.
Hereโs what helps me reframe:
โI did my best with the resources I had at that moment. Now, what can I learn for next time?โ
That mindset still drives improvementโbut without the emotional bruising.
Leadership is already tough. You donโt have to lead yourself with a whip.
How to Deal With Fear
Why Does “The Cave You Fear Hold the Treasure You Seek”?
I recently discovered this quote by Joseph Campbell in one of Brenรฉ Brownโs inspiring books: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.“
While reading it, I felt a strong โYESโ! Because it captures how I’ve been trying to live the past few years.
For much of my life, I was quite shy, insecure, introverted. I felt trapped in an invisible cage of my own making. My dark cave contained many thingsโspeaking up in groups, starting conversations with strangers, facing rejection, saying no to social invitations, or choosing work that aligned with my dreams, to name a few. Actually, mine was more of a giant storage hall than a cave.
Then, one day, after a profound personal experience, I began to see fear for what it isโjust a feeling, like any other. Nothing more.
Fear has its place; without it, we wouldn’t survive. But thereโs a difference between fear that signals real danger and self-limiting fear that holds us back.
So, I decided to do something uncomfortable every day. And slowly, my comfort zone has been expanding.
The treasure I found? Freedom and connection.
I left the safety of my previous career to now spending my days doing what I love. I’ve connected with so many interesting people by initiating a conversation. I no longer feel bad about expressing my opinions, expressing my needs, or saying no to things that donโt serve me.
Sure, there are still things that make me uncomfortable. But I choose to face them, and it gets easier every time.
Here are the steps I took, which you can do:
- Identify Your Cave: List the things that scare you, but aren’t dangerous. These are your self-limiting fears.
- Take Small Steps: Start small. Say hello to someone new. Share an idea in a meeting.
- Embrace Discomfort: Discomfort is temporary and a sign of growth.
- Reflect on Progress: Keep track of your experiences, and see your comfort zone expand.
Now, reading my progress log makes me smile. Some years years ago, saying, “Siri, play next song,” in a public place was something I struggled with.
This week, Iโll be speaking about leadership at public event.
Fear is still thereโbut itโs no longer in charge.
A controversial take on giving feedback..
Sometimes, not giving feedback is selfish.
We avoid it for two main reasons:
- We want to be liked.
- We fear confrontation.
Both are natural, but theyโre also self-centered.
By holding back, we deny the other person a chance to grow. We think we’re sparing them, but really, we’re protecting ourselves.
I used to do this all the time early in my career. I withheld feedback, afraid of being disliked, or gave it only to boost my teamโs performance, which ultimately served my interests. Neither approach worked.
Hereโs what Iโve learned: feedback, when done right, is an act of care.
Give it regularly. Make it constructiveโsomething they can actually use to improve.
Consider both dimensions:
- Rational: Be specific. Give it promptly. Offer clear suggestions for improvement.
- Emotional: Come from a place of genuine care. Donโt see the person as a problem to be fixed, but as someone worth investing in.
When feedback is both clear and compassionate, people will be more open to it.
Itโs normal for it to feel awkward, especially when youโre new to leadership.
But if youโre not uncomfortable, youโre not leading.
Try it out, and let me know how it goes.
A Zen story With a Profound Lesson
Ever heard the Zen koan about the fish seller?
A koan is a short story to invoke insight. I wasnโt sure to share it, as itโs quite abstract, but because I love it, Iโm doing it anyway.
It goes like this:
“Banzan was walking through the market when he overheard a conversation between a fish seller and his customer.
The customer asked for the best piece of fish.
The seller replied, ‘All my pieces of fish are the best I have.’
Upon hearing this, Banzan was enlightened.”
Ok, that seller is either a genius, of desperately needs a marketing course. But whatโs the point here actually?
Itโs this: what if we saw every experience, every moment, as the best we have?
You might be thinking, โYeah right, how is that aweful performance review the best moment I have?โ
Itโs not about the situation, itโs about how we ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ค๐ฆ๐ช๐ท๐ฆ the situation.
When you approach a meeting thinking, “I hate this,” you’re already creating stress. For yourself.
You canโt control this initial spark of stress or negativity, thatโs just your mind doing its thing.
But the moment you become aware of if, you have a choice to go along with that story, or not.
Usually, we go along with the mindโs story, and start having an internal conversation with ourselves about how this or that is terrible.
The result? It creates tension and drain your energy.
Instead, consider this approach:
โ
Before the meeting, take a moment to breathe and set an intention.
Think, “What can I gain from this meeting?”
โ
Realize: ๐ฌ๐ผ๐โ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ผ๐ธ๐ฎ๐. ๐ฌ๐ผ๐โ๐ฟ๐ฒ ๐ฎ๐น๐ถ๐๐ฒ.
โ
During the meeting, engage actively. Focus on understanding and connecting with the other, and contributing your best.
โ
After the meeting, find one positive takeaway, even if itโs small.
This shift in mindset doesnโt make the meeting (or situation) perfect, but it reduces the stress and helps you find value in the experience.
Even in our toughest moments, our bodies perform miracles. Billions of cells are working every second to keep us alive and functioning. This perspective can be incredibly empowering.
For managers, judging and resisting saps your energy.
Accepting each moment as it is can recharge your leadership and give you the clarity to inspire your team.
This doesnโt mean you canโt try to improve situations, or your life. To grow, learn. But when done from a state of accepting every moment as it is, without resistance, is so much more powerful.
So, what caused this major shift in Banzan after hearing that conversation?
He realized that his tendency to think โI donโt want this, I want thatโ was making him miserable.
And the lesson from the sellerโs perspective: everything we do is the best in that moment. Big tasks or small, they all matter.
Try seeing each moment as perfect.
I know from experience: it’s not easy, but the better you get at this, the happier you’ll be.
<3
Honesty, Curiosity and Self-Reflection
This might be controversial, but hereโs something we need to talk about…
Social media is flooded with leadership quotes. We like them, we share them, and we think, “Gosh, when will my manager finally get this?” ๐
But how often do we take a hard look at our own leadership?
Hereโs the irony โ most managers are on LinkedIn daily, yet many teams are still struggling.
Itโs easy to scroll through content and believe the advice is for others. But true leadership starts with self-examination.
Are we actively seeking out feedback, especially when itโs tough to hear? Do we confront our own shortcomings?
Next time you come across a leadership quote, challenge yourself: Am I living up to this standard with my team?
If yes – how can you actually verify if this is true?
Keep the Dunning-Kruger effect in mind โ people who objectively score among the bottom 0-25% on a particular skill rate themselves in the 50-75% bracket.
Unconscious incompetence is quite common.
โ If you believe youโre doing great, but your team is consistently difficult or disengaged, it might be a sign to reevaluate your approach.
Hereโs the truth โ the leaders who practice honest self-reflection grow the fastest. They get promoted faster, score better on performance reviews, and lead happier teams.
Letโs not just scroll through inspirational quotes. Letโs live them.
Imagine the impact you could have by truly applying these principles.
Reflect deeply, lead with authenticity, and watch your team โ and yourself โ flourish. ๐ช
Difficult Conversations – Transforming Stress Into Connection
You’re about to walk into a performance review with a team member, knowing you have to deliver some tough feedback.
Your chest tightens, your breath becomes shallow, and your mind races with worst-case scenarios.
Sound familiar?
This kind of physical reaction is a natural response to stress, but it can also be a sign of a deeper issue: closing your heart to protect yourself.
We’ve all been hurt or disappointed in life, which may cause our hearts to close. When we close our hearts, we not only shut out pain but also joy, love, and connection.
This automatic defense mechanism, designed to protect us from physical threats, often leaves us feeling isolated and disconnected at work.
Living with an open heart, no matter what life throws at us, is challenging but highly rewarding. I know it sounds like a motivational poster, but letโs get practical.
Consider those moments right before difficult conversations or when receiving unexpected critical feedback.
The instinct to protect yourself causes physical constriction, especially around your chest.
You tense up, your breath becomes shallow, and your mind starts to close off, too.
Your mind and body are interconnected: the more you tense up, the more your mind focuses on perceived threats, the less connection you feel to others, the more your chest feels constricted.
Try this: each time you feel your chest tighten, consciously relax it.
Notice how often this happens throughout your day.
Slow your breathing and relax your entire body. This helps you stay calm and keeps your mind open.
When you’re open, you can connect more deeply with others. People will notice your openness and respond in kind, creating a ripple effect.
Take a deep breath, relax your chest, and embrace the day with an open heart. The rewards are immense.
The more you open up, the more the world opens up to you.
โค๏ธ