Tag: anxiety

Why you freeze during tough conversations.

Leadership coaching Amsterdam | David Buirs

This article analyzes the physical stress response managers experience during difficult conversations. It provides practical self-regulation techniques based on neuroscience to reduce tension. The content establishes Personal Leadership as the foundation for effective communication.

You are standing at the door of the meeting room. You’ve rehearsed the script in your head three times, yet your chest feels tight and your breathing is shallow. You are about to deliver a confrontational message, and your body is in survival mode.

This isn’t a lack of preparation; it’s a biological reflex. Your system perceives social conflict as a physical threat. The urge to tense your muscles and shut down mentally is a defense mechanism that might protect you from pain, but it also isolates you from your team.

Personal Leadership starts with your own biology

Real leadership requires the courage to stay open when everything in you wants to armor up. We call this Personal Leadership. When you close your heart to protect yourself, you don’t just block the tension—you block the connection needed to achieve a result. You become a transmitter instead of a partner.

The key to less tension during difficult conversations lies in recognizing this physical constriction. The moment you feel your chest tighten, force yourself to release that tension. Relax your shoulders. Slow your breath. This is not a vague exercise; it is pure neuroscience to pull your brain out of ‘fight-or-flight’ mode.

The power of grounded confrontation

If you remain open, you unconsciously compel the other person to do the same. People sense whether you are speaking from fear or authority. By not suppressing the tension, but physically relaxing into it, you create space for an honest dialogue. You will notice team resistance decreases as soon as you stop building walls.

Whether it’s a performance review or correcting a senior expert, you don’t have to eliminate the fear. You only need to learn how to stay present with it without cramping up. That is the difference between a manager putting out fires and a leader who transforms.

Do you want to dive deeper into your own patterns? During a leadership coaching trajectory, we look together at what is still holding you back from facing confrontation with total composure.

Schedule a free introduction call here to discuss the possibilities for your context.

How to Handle Criticism at Work

How to handle criticism at work… It’s a question I often get. My reply: 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝗳 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗱𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝘂𝗿𝘁𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗰𝗮𝘂𝘀𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝘄𝗲 𝗹𝗮𝗯𝗲𝗹 𝗶𝘁?

Two people hear the same sentence from their boss. One feels judged. The other feels motivated. The words are identical. The reaction isn’t. Why?

Because the label, criticism or feedback, can’t be found in the words. It’s created in the mind of the receiver.

This is where the real power lies. You decide how much weight to give feedback. Some of it will be clumsy. Some will be unfair. Some will be pure gold. If you can sort, not absorb everything, you win. To take what serves you, and let the rest pass.

We often forget no one is perfect. Not you, not me, not the person giving feedback. We’re all trying our best, often imperfectly. Holding onto the illusion that you should look flawless makes feedback feel like a personal attack. Drop the illusion, and feedback becomes easier to hear.

Because in the end, the leaders who grow are not the ones who protect their image. They’re the ones who keep asking, “What can I learn here?” Over time, that choice changes everything.

Of course, this change doesn’t happen overnight. Curiosity is a muscle, and muscles strengthen slowly. So here’s an invitation: over the next five months, practice trading a little defensiveness for a little more curiosity each time feedback comes your way.

𝗠𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗵 𝟬 – 𝟭𝟬𝟬% 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲: “I don’t think that’s accurate.”
𝗠𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗵 𝟭 – 𝟴𝟬% 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 / 𝟮𝟬% 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀: “I don’t really agree with that… but can you give me an example?”
𝗠𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗵 𝟮 – 𝟲𝟬% 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 / 𝟰𝟬% 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀: “That feels off to me. What do you see that makes you say it?”
𝗠𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗵 𝟯 – 𝟰𝟬% 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 / 𝟲𝟬% 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀: “It’s hard to hear, though I think there may be truth in it. Can you tell me more?”
𝗠𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗵 𝟰 – 𝟮𝟬% 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 / 𝟴𝟬% 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀: “I hadn’t thought of it that way. What else are you noticing?”
𝗠𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗵 𝟱 – 𝟬% 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 / 𝟭𝟬𝟬% 𝗰𝘂𝗿𝗶𝗼𝘂𝘀: “That’s helpful. What’s one thing I could do differently next time?”

So…how to handle criticism at work? With curiosity.

Five months of practice might feel small now, but in five years, it could be the reason your career looks entirely different.

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Managing people you don’t like

David Buirs Management Trainer

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When Do You Become Too Self-critical?

“I’m just holding myself to a high standard.”
Are you?
Or are you just being harsh?

There’s a subtle trap many high performers fall into—especially new managers:

Mistaking self-criticism for motivation.

We think:
☑ “If I don’t push myself, I’ll get lazy.”
☑ “That wasn’t good enough—I should’ve done better.”
☑ “I need to be tough on myself, or I won’t improve.”

But neuroscience and psychology tell a different story.

🔬 Studies show that self-compassion, not self-judgment, leads to higher resilience, motivation, and long-term growth.

It’s not about going easy on yourself.
It’s about not tearing yourself down.

Here’s what helps me reframe:

“I did my best with the resources I had at that moment. Now, what can I learn for next time?”

That mindset still drives improvement—but without the emotional bruising.

Leadership is already tough. You don’t have to lead yourself with a whip.

Management Management

How to Deal With Fear

Why Does “The Cave You Fear Hold the Treasure You Seek”?

I recently discovered this quote by Joseph Campbell in one of Brené Brown’s inspiring books: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.“

While reading it, I felt a strong ‘YES’! Because it captures how I’ve been trying to live the past few years.

For much of my life, I was quite shy, insecure, introverted. I felt trapped in an invisible cage of my own making. My dark cave contained many things—speaking up in groups, starting conversations with strangers, facing rejection, saying no to social invitations, or choosing work that aligned with my dreams, to name a few. Actually, mine was more of a giant storage hall than a cave.

Then, one day, after a profound personal experience, I began to see fear for what it is—just a feeling, like any other. Nothing more.

Fear has its place; without it, we wouldn’t survive. But there’s a difference between fear that signals real danger and self-limiting fear that holds us back.

So, I decided to do something uncomfortable every day. And slowly, my comfort zone has been expanding.

The treasure I found? Freedom and connection.

I left the safety of my previous career to now spending my days doing what I love. I’ve connected with so many interesting people by initiating a conversation. I no longer feel bad about expressing my opinions, expressing my needs, or saying no to things that don’t serve me.

Sure, there are still things that make me uncomfortable. But I choose to face them, and it gets easier every time.

Here are the steps I took, which you can do:

Identify Your Cave: List the things that scare you, but aren’t dangerous. These are your self-limiting fears.
Take Small Steps: Start small. Say hello to someone new. Share an idea in a meeting.
Embrace Discomfort: Discomfort is temporary and a sign of growth.
Reflect on Progress: Keep track of your experiences, and see your comfort zone expand.

Now, reading my progress log makes me smile. Some years years ago, saying, “Siri, play next song,” in a public place was something I struggled with.

This week, I’ll be speaking about leadership at public event.

Fear is still there—but it’s no longer in charge.

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