Difficult Conversations Without Anxiety: Start With Your Body

David Buirs - Leadership Coach & Management Trainer

Why You Freeze During Difficult Conversations

David Buirs is a leadership coach in Amsterdam. This article explains why your body tightens during difficult conversations, and how body awareness and attention on the other person ease the tension. It covers the Crucial Conversations model for feedback, bad news, and conflict.

You know exactly which conversation you need to have. You have rehearsed the words in your head three times already. Then you sit across from that person and feel yourself lock up. Your voice changes. Your shoulders creep up. What you wanted to say comes out half-formed.

This happens to almost every leader. Having difficult conversations without anxiety looks like something reserved for people who never get nervous. That is not how it works. The calm comes from somewhere other than you expect. It starts in your own body, long before you say a word.

What Happens in Your Body

Before a tense conversation, your body drops into an old mode. Your brain reads the situation as danger. Not a threat to your life, but a social threat. Rejection. Conflict. Losing face.

Your body responds as if there is a predator in front of you. Your breathing turns shallow. Your jaw clenches. Your stomach contracts. For many people the shoulders climb toward the ears. Others feel it in their throat or their hands.

This happens automatically. You do not choose it. And that is exactly why it has such a grip on you.

Start With Body Awareness

This is where a piece of mindfulness helps. Practical, with nothing vague about it.

The first step is noticing where you tighten. Literally. Do you feel it in your shoulders? Your jaw? Your stomach? Most people have no idea, because they never pay attention to it. They live in their head, with the words, with everything that could go wrong.

Once you know where you lock up, you can do something with it. A deep breath into your belly. Letting your shoulders drop a centimeter on purpose. Softening your jaw. This sounds small. But your body and your mind talk to each other constantly. A calmer body sends a calmer signal back to your brain.

Try this before your next difficult conversation. Thirty seconds. Feel where the tension sits, and let that spot ease a little. This is the first building block toward difficult conversations without anxiety.

The Uncomfortable Discovery

Now comes the part that sounds strange, yet is true. And it really works.

When you are very nervous before a conversation, you are mostly busy with yourself. How do I come across? What does this person think of me? Am I going to fumble? Do I seem confident enough?

You think you are worried about the other person. But your attention is on yourself. On your own image.

This is confronting to read. It does not mean you are selfish or doing something wrong. Our brain is simply wired to focus on itself. That makes sense, it keeps us safe. It just does not help you in a conversation that matters.

And this insight is exactly what eases the tension. Because the moment you see it, you can turn it around.

Turn Your Attention Outward

Move your focus from yourself to the other person. Ask yourself two questions before the conversation.

What do I want to achieve here? And how do I communicate so that it actually lands with this person?

Once you are working on that, there is less room for the voice telling you that you will fail. Your mind has a job. You are focused on the outcome and on the human in front of you, instead of on your own insecurity.

This is no trick that makes the nerves vanish. The tension drops because your attention goes somewhere useful.

A Model That Gives You Something to Hold On To

I work a lot with leaders who have these conversations every day. Giving feedback. Delivering bad news. Addressing someone's behavior. A conflict in the team.

One of the models I teach is Crucial Conversations. It was built for exactly those moments when emotions run high and a lot is at stake. It gives you a structure to stay safe, to be honest, and to keep the other person with you without the talk escalating.

What I appreciate about this model: it works together with everything above. A calmer body and attention on the other person form the foundation. The model then gives you the words. For leaders from team lead to senior manager, this is one of the most valuable skills to master, and it is part of my leadership coaching. For leaders at director level, coaching for senior leaders is a natural deepening.

Practice in a Safe Setting

Nobody handles these conversations flawlessly from day one. It is a skill. And like any skill, it improves by practicing in a place where the stakes are not yet high.

That is exactly what we do in coaching. We look at what happens inside you during these conversations. We train the body awareness, the focus on the other person, and a model like Crucial Conversations. After that you practice it in real life, step by step. For a leader who wants to train these skills in a focused way, a 1-on-1 leadership course is a logical next step.

You become calmer. And your conversations become more honest and more effective.

Does this sound familiar, and do you want to start having these conversations with more calm and steadiness? Interested or curious? Let's chat. Plan your free introduction here. Zero obligation.

How to Lead Team Meetings Better: Stop Wasting Time

David Buirs | Leadership & Executive Coach

Why Your Meetings Always Run to the Last Minute

David Buirs is a leadership and executive coach in Amsterdam. In this article you learn how to lead team meetings as a manager: how to give a meeting a clear goal, how to steer it, and how to give people their time back. With practical tips for managers whose days drain away in meetings.

Look at your calendar today. A 60-minute meeting. How long did it take? Exactly 60 minutes.

That is how it almost always goes. A conversation booked for an hour fills that hour. People keep talking until the time runs out. The agenda stretches to fit whatever room you give it.

I work with a lot of managers whose days drain away in meetings. Back-to-back, with no moment to think. By the end of the day the real work hasn't started yet. Sound familiar?

Here is what I have learned. Most meetings run over for one simple reason. Nobody is leading them.

A Meeting Without a Goal Is a Meeting Without an End

Before you send an invite, ask yourself one question. What needs to be different by the end of this conversation?

There are roughly three kinds of meetings. It helps to know which one you are running.

The first is a decision. There is a choice on the table and it has to be made. The second is informing. You share something the team needs to know. The third is aligning or brainstorming. You need input from the group to move forward.

Many meetings fail because they mix these types up. You think you are coming to inform. Halfway through, a discussion breaks out as if there is still something to decide. Then you are stuck.

A good agenda names the type. "Today we decide on the new planning." That reads differently from "Let's discuss the planning." The first has an endpoint. The second can go on forever.

No agenda, no meeting. Or as I used to tell my teams: no agenda, no attenda. An invite comes in without a goal? Ask about it, kindly. "What do we want to walk away with?" That one question often saves the whole hour.

Steering Is Your Job

If you call the meeting, you are the one running it. You are responsible for the time of everyone in the room. Do the math. Eight people, one hour. That is a full working day of human attention you are managing.

Steering feels uncomfortable for many managers. You don't want to cut anyone off. You want to be liked. So you let the meeting run its own course. You watch a quick update turn into a ten-minute story.

A simple agreement helps here. At the start of the meeting, ask the group this: "May I interrupt if we drift off the agenda?"

Everyone says yes. Nobody says no to that question. And now you have permission. When the conversation drifts, you steer it back, calmly. "Good point, but this is outside our goal for today. Shall we pick it up separately?"

The surprising part: the group appreciates this enormously. People don't want to waste an hour. They are often waiting for someone with the nerve to steer. By interrupting, you protect the time. And you protect the people who would otherwise watch their afternoon disappear in silence.

Stop on Time, Even When There Is Time Left

Here comes the part almost nobody does. Is the agenda done after forty minutes? Then the meeting is over. You don't have to fill the hour.

Give people those twenty minutes back. Say it out loud. "We're done, you've got twenty minutes back." The effect is bigger than you think. You show that you respect their time. And you break the habit of time filling itself.

We simply have too many meetings, and most of them run too long. Research by Atlassian shows how many hours a week vanish into meetings nobody needed. Every half hour you give back goes to the work people were actually hired for.

Not Everyone Needs to Be There

Another habit that gives back a lot of time. Give people the option to skip, or to leave once their part is over.

It feels rude. But there are few things more tedious than half an hour of half-listening to a discussion between colleagues you add nothing to. That time is just gone.

So say it explicitly. "Point three is for the whole team, then we get into the technical side with just the developers." Whoever isn't needed can go. If it gets abused, you address that. That is a separate conversation, not a reason to keep holding everyone hostage.

Ask the Quiet People What They Think

One more thing. In every meeting a few voices dominate. Often they are the people who talk most easily, while the sharpest ideas stay unspoken.

The introverted team members often sit on good observations they hold back. They need time to think. The room is already taken up by others.

As the person running the meeting, you can solve this. Ask them directly. "Sara, you have a lot of experience with this. How do you see it?" Give them a moment. That is often where the insight comes from that moves the whole discussion forward.

This is a kind of leadership that has little to do with power. You create space so the best ideas surface, regardless of who has them.

To Close

Leading meetings better starts with realizing that time is your real scarcity. A clear goal, the right type, and someone with the nerve to steer. That is enough to bring an hour of corporate theater down to twenty minutes that lead somewhere.

There is something underneath it too. Leading meetings well earns you respect. People notice who protects their time and who lets it slide. The manager who steers firmly and kindly builds quiet authority that reaches far beyond that one meeting.

With the leaders I coach, I work on the technique of steering. But also on the layer beneath it. The patterns that make you let someone talk too long. The fear of really steering a conversation, because you worry about coming across as blunt. That fear often sits deeper than the meeting itself. That is exactly the kind of theme I work on in my management coaching. We practice it concretely, in the situations you run into. For leaders at director level, coaching for executives is a logical deepening of that same work.

Want to anchor this in a whole team rather than one person? Then a leadership training for the entire group is a logical step.

Curious whether this fits your situation? Plan your free introduction here. Zero obligation, just a good conversation.

Communicating With Executives Without the Nerves

David Buirs | Leadership Coach & Management Trainer

Communicating With Executives Without the Nerves

Leadership and executive coach David Buirs, based in Amsterdam, explores why so many professionals feel anxious when communicating with executives and senior leaders. Drawing on psychology and coaching practice, this article explains how the stories we build about ourselves and others drive that anxiety, and what a more grounded starting point looks like.

You notice your hands are clammy. Your stomach feels tight and your breath goes shallow. Tonight will be another night with little sleep. You never sleep well the night before presenting to your department's Vice President.

It's actually strange, when you think about it. One person can have this effect on our body, while others don't. You might have never questioned why, and assumed that's just how things work.

Let's question it.

The Story You've Been Telling Yourself

Without realizing it, we spend our whole lives building and living a story about ourselves. And it starts young.

As a child, you made a beautiful drawing and saw how happy and proud it made your parents. That felt good. In that moment, a story began forming. "I'm good at making drawings." Months later, the same thing happens after you painted something in class. The story develops: "I'm good at making things. I'm creative."

For someone else, they might have come home with a low mark on a math exam, and their parents were visibly upset. There, a different mental story begins: "I'm bad at math." Which later expands into: "I'm probably less sharp than most people."

In our adult lives, these stories have become very elaborate. Some boost our confidence. "I'm a successful CEO and visionary. My time is precious and every second I spend on trivial things is a waste."

Or: "Most people don't like me. I can't do things well. My opinion doesn't matter much, because other people probably know more than me anyway."

We often forget one important detail. These are just stories. Stories that feel completely real.

Why Communicating With Executives Feels So Different

Picture that CEO. If people started telling her she's a failure, day after day, her inner story would change, even though nothing about her actual ability did. And the insecure man, if he kept hearing how sharp he is, would slowly start to believe a different story about himself. The person stays the same. The inner narrative changes.

So how can this insight help you?

In corporate life, many of us get nervous around senior people at work. This comes up in coaching for executives time and time again. Part of it is real. This person has some influence over our career and our job security. But part of it comes from the inner story we build about ourselves and about them.

Often, without realizing it, we treat certain people as more important. In our internal story, they are up "there," and we are down "here." That creates tension and anxiety.

Yes, in a corporate hierarchy, some people have more responsibilities, experience, and knowledge. But on a fundamental level, we're all the same.

The Story Works Both Ways

The same dynamic works in the other direction. The intern who just started, the person at reception, the new hire who seems unsure of themselves. We can subconsciously place them "below" us, just as we placed the VP "above." The intern is probably nervous around us, telling themselves the same kind of story we tell ourselves about the VP.

Same story, same mistake.

So here is the thing to try. Imagine walking into that meeting with your VP, and you see them as another human being. Someone with more experience, yes. But a fellow human, the same as the person driving your bus this morning, or the one who made your coffee. You have some information you believe is useful, and you want to share it. That's the whole interaction.

Communicating from that calmer place changes how you come across. People read it as confidence, and they listen more openly.

Change Begins With Insight

None of this happens overnight. We all walk around with conditioning and assumptions that have been with us for decades. Reading one article won't make you free from nerves before your next big meeting. But change begins with insight. And the insight is that the senior person across the table has the same fears and doubts you do.

That can be the start of a new story about yourself. One where you are confident, valuable, and worth listening to.

Start believing that, and others will too. And the next time you have a meeting with your VP on the calendar, you might notice you sleep a little better the night before.


If this is something you're working through, coaching for executives can be a practical place to do that work. For organizations that want to develop this capacity across their leadership teams, leadership training offers a structured path. And if you want to talk through where you are right now, plan a free introduction here. Zero obligation.

Great Leaders Are Great Communicators

Think of someone you know that communicates really well.

And someone that doesn’t.

What makes the difference?

Communication in leadership is like fine-tuning a musical instrumentโ€”it makes every performance better.

Especially for starting managers, getting this right from the beginning gives you a head start.

Hereโ€™s a challenge for you: ๐—ฐ๐—ต๐—ผ๐—ผ๐˜€๐—ฒ ๐—ผ๐—ป๐—ฒ ๐—ฎ๐˜€๐—ฝ๐—ฒ๐—ฐ๐˜ ๐—ผ๐—ณ ๐˜†๐—ผ๐˜‚๐—ฟ ๐—ฐ๐—ผ๐—บ๐—บ๐˜‚๐—ป๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป ๐˜๐—ผ ๐—ถ๐—บ๐—ฝ๐—ฟ๐—ผ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ ๐˜๐—ต๐—ถ๐˜€ ๐—บ๐—ผ๐—ป๐˜๐—ต.

Need inspiration? Below youโ€™ll find some ideas:

๐—”๐—ฐ๐˜๐—ถ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ ๐—Ÿ๐—ถ๐˜€๐˜๐—ฒ๐—ป๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด
๐Ÿ“Œ Tip: Use reflective listening techniques, such as paraphrasing what the speaker has said to confirm understanding.

๐—–๐—น๐—ฒ๐—ฎ๐—ฟ ๐—”๐—ฟ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐˜‚๐—น๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป
๐Ÿ“Œ Tip: Before communicating, take a moment to organize your thoughts to ensure clarity and precision in your message.

๐—ฃ๐—ฒ๐—ฟ๐˜€๐˜‚๐—ฎ๐˜€๐—ถ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ ๐—–๐—ผ๐—บ๐—บ๐˜‚๐—ป๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป
๐Ÿ“Œ Tip: Remember WIIFM โ€“ โ€œWhatโ€™s In It For Meโ€? โ€“ A thought thatโ€™s often on our minds (we are human, after all). If you can pro-actively address this in your communication, youโ€™re more convincing.

๐—”๐—ฑ๐—ฎ๐—ฝ๐˜๐—ฎ๐—ฏ๐—ถ๐—น๐—ถ๐˜๐˜† ๐—ถ๐—ป ๐—–๐—ผ๐—บ๐—บ๐˜‚๐—ป๐—ถ๐—ฐ๐—ฎ๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป
๐Ÿ“Œ Tip: Adjust your communication style to match the preferences of your audienceโ€”some may prefer directness, while others may need more context.

๐—”๐—ฐ๐˜๐—ถ๐˜ƒ๐—ฒ ๐—”๐˜€๐—ธ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ณ๐—ผ๐—ฟ ๐—™๐—ฒ๐—ฒ๐—ฑ๐—ฏ๐—ฎ๐—ฐ๐—ธ
๐Ÿ“Œ Tip: Regularly ask for feedback on your communication style and effectiveness, showing you value continuous improvement.

๐—–๐—ผ๐—ป๐˜๐—ฒ๐˜…๐˜ ๐—ฎ๐—ป๐—ฑ ๐—ช๐—ต๐˜†
๐Ÿ“Œ Tip: When giving instructions, starting meetings or sharing updates, always explain the context. You might see the bigger picture, but your audience might not.

๐—”๐˜€๐—ธ๐—ถ๐—ป๐—ด ๐—ค๐˜‚๐—ฒ๐˜€๐˜๐—ถ๐—ผ๐—ป๐˜€
๐Ÿ“Œ Tip: Ask open-ended questions that start with “what” or “how” to encourage detailed responses and deeper discussions.

Improving how you communicate can dramatically enhance your interactions and the impact you can make.