When Do You Become Too Self-critical?

“I’m just holding myself to a high standard.”
Are you?
Or are you just being harsh?

There’s a subtle trap many high performers fall into—especially new managers:

Mistaking self-criticism for motivation.

We think:
☑ “If I don’t push myself, I’ll get lazy.”
☑ “That wasn’t good enough—I should’ve done better.”
☑ “I need to be tough on myself, or I won’t improve.”

But neuroscience and psychology tell a different story.

🔬 Studies show that self-compassion, not self-judgment, leads to higher resilience, motivation, and long-term growth.

It’s not about going easy on yourself.
It’s about not tearing yourself down.

Here’s what helps me reframe:

“I did my best with the resources I had at that moment. Now, what can I learn for next time?”

That mindset still drives improvement—but without the emotional bruising.

Leadership is already tough. You don’t have to lead yourself with a whip.

How to Deal With Fear

David Buirs | Leadership Expert

Why Does “The Cave You Fear Hold the Treasure You Seek”?

I recently discovered this quote by Joseph Campbell in one of Brené Brown’s inspiring books: “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.

While reading it, I felt a strong ‘YES’! Because it captures how I’ve been trying to live the past few years.

For much of my life, I was quite shy, insecure, introverted. I felt trapped in an invisible cage of my own making. My dark cave contained many things—speaking up in groups, starting conversations with strangers, facing rejection, saying no to social invitations, or choosing work that aligned with my dreams, to name a few. Actually, mine was more of a giant storage hall than a cave.

Then, one day, after a profound personal experience, I began to see fear for what it is—just a feeling, like any other. Nothing more.

Fear has its place; without it, we wouldn’t survive. But there’s a difference between fear that signals real danger and self-limiting fear that holds us back.

So, I decided to do something uncomfortable every day. And slowly, my comfort zone has been expanding.

The treasure I found? Freedom and connection.

I left the safety of my previous career to now spending my days doing what I love. I’ve connected with so many interesting people by initiating a conversation. I no longer feel bad about expressing my opinions, expressing my needs, or saying no to things that don’t serve me.

Sure, there are still things that make me uncomfortable. But I choose to face them, and it gets easier every time.

Here are the steps I took, which you can do:

  1. Identify Your Cave: List the things that scare you, but aren’t dangerous. These are your self-limiting fears.
  2. Take Small Steps: Start small. Say hello to someone new. Share an idea in a meeting.
  3. Embrace Discomfort: Discomfort is temporary and a sign of growth.
  4. Reflect on Progress: Keep track of your experiences, and see your comfort zone expand.

Now, reading my progress log makes me smile. Some years years ago, saying, “Siri, play next song,” in a public place was something I struggled with.

This week, I’ll be speaking about leadership at public event.

Fear is still there—but it’s no longer in charge.

A controversial take on giving feedback..

Sometimes, not giving feedback is selfish.

We avoid it for two main reasons:

  1. We want to be liked.
  2. We fear confrontation.

Both are natural, but they’re also self-centered.

By holding back, we deny the other person a chance to grow. We think we’re sparing them, but really, we’re protecting ourselves.

I used to do this all the time early in my career. I withheld feedback, afraid of being disliked, or gave it only to boost my team’s performance, which ultimately served my interests. Neither approach worked.

Here’s what I’ve learned: feedback, when done right, is an act of care.

Give it regularly. Make it constructive—something they can actually use to improve.

Consider both dimensions:

  1. Rational: Be specific. Give it promptly. Offer clear suggestions for improvement.
  2. Emotional: Come from a place of genuine care. Don’t see the person as a problem to be fixed, but as someone worth investing in.

When feedback is both clear and compassionate, people will be more open to it.

It’s normal for it to feel awkward, especially when you’re new to leadership.

But if you’re not uncomfortable, you’re not leading.

Try it out, and let me know how it goes.

A Zen story With a Profound Lesson

Ever heard the Zen koan about the fish seller?

A koan is a short story to invoke insight.  I wasn’t sure to share it, as it’s quite abstract, but because I love it, I’m doing it anyway.

It goes like this:

“Banzan was walking through the market when he overheard a conversation between a fish seller and his customer.

The customer asked for the best piece of fish.

The seller replied, ‘All my pieces of fish are the best I have.’

Upon hearing this, Banzan was enlightened.”

Ok, that seller is either a genius, of desperately needs a marketing course. But what’s the point here actually?

It’s this: what if we saw every experience, every moment, as the best we have?

You might be thinking, “Yeah right, how is that aweful performance review the best moment I have?”

It’s not about the situation, it’s about how we 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘤𝘦𝘪𝘷𝘦 the situation.

When you approach a meeting thinking, “I hate this,” you’re already creating stress. For yourself.

You can’t control this initial spark of stress or negativity, that’s just your mind doing its thing.

But the moment you become aware of if, you have a choice to go along with that story, or not.

Usually, we go along with the mind’s story, and start having an internal conversation with ourselves about how this or that is terrible.

The result? It creates tension and drain your energy.

Instead, consider this approach:

✅ Before the meeting, take a moment to breathe and set an intention.
Think, “What can I gain from this meeting?”

✅ Realize: 𝗬𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗼𝗸𝗮𝘆. 𝗬𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗲.
✅ During the meeting, engage actively. Focus on understanding and connecting with the other, and contributing your best.
✅ After the meeting, find one positive takeaway, even if it’s small.

This shift in mindset doesn’t make the meeting (or situation) perfect, but it reduces the stress and helps you find value in the experience.

Even in our toughest moments, our bodies perform miracles. Billions of cells are working every second to keep us alive and functioning. This perspective can be incredibly empowering.

For managers, judging and resisting saps your energy.

Accepting each moment as it is can recharge your leadership and give you the clarity to inspire your team.

This doesn’t mean you can’t try to improve situations, or your life. To grow, learn. But when done from a state of accepting every moment as it is, without resistance, is so much more powerful.

So, what caused this major shift in Banzan after hearing that conversation?

He realized that his tendency to think “I don’t want this, I want that” was making him miserable.

And the lesson from the seller’s perspective: everything we do is the best in that moment. Big tasks or small, they all matter.

Try seeing each moment as perfect.

I know from experience: it’s not easy, but the better you get at this, the happier you’ll be.

<3

Honesty, Curiosity and Self-Reflection

This might be controversial, but here’s something we need to talk about…

Social media is flooded with leadership quotes. We like them, we share them, and we think, “Gosh, when will my manager finally get this?” 🙄

But how often do we take a hard look at our own leadership?

Here’s the irony – most managers are on LinkedIn daily, yet many teams are still struggling.

It’s easy to scroll through content and believe the advice is for others. But true leadership starts with self-examination.

Are we actively seeking out feedback, especially when it’s tough to hear? Do we confront our own shortcomings?

Next time you come across a leadership quote, challenge yourself: Am I living up to this standard with my team?

If yes – how can you actually verify if this is true?

Keep the Dunning-Kruger effect in mind – people who objectively score among the bottom 0-25% on a particular skill rate themselves in the 50-75% bracket.

Unconscious incompetence is quite common.

❗ If you believe you’re doing great, but your team is consistently difficult or disengaged, it might be a sign to reevaluate your approach.

Here’s the truth – the leaders who practice honest self-reflection grow the fastest. They get promoted faster, score better on performance reviews, and lead happier teams.

Let’s not just scroll through inspirational quotes. Let’s live them.

Imagine the impact you could have by truly applying these principles.

Reflect deeply, lead with authenticity, and watch your team – and yourself – flourish. 💪

Why Your Next Promotion Might Be Your Last (Unless You’re Aware of This) 2/2

I always saw myself as a good listener. Until I realized I wasn’t…

Last week I wrote about 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗣𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗣𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗽𝗹𝗲 – you keep getting promoted, until you hit the ceiling of your competence.

Then, the requirements of the role exceed your capabilities and you stop being promoted.

For competence, think about things like your ability to think strategically, your emotional intelligence, your leadership skills, your communication skills, or your ability to analyse complex problems.

Competence is not set in stone – you can increase it.

But here, we’re faced with an invisible enemy – the 𝗗𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴-𝗞𝗿𝘂𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗲𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁.

It’s a cognitive bias that makes people with low ability in a specific area, overestimate their ability in that area. It’s unconscious incompetence.

In many experiments, Dunning and Kruger’s observed that people who objectively score among the lowest 25%, rate themselves to be in the 50-75% range.

A practical example: many people who believe they are good listeners, in fact aren’t.

For me, the realization came when I truly listened to feedback. And then explored the topic of what listening is about, and how to become good at it.

Let’s tie last week’s post and this topic together:

• You keep getting promoted in organizations, until you hit your level of competence (𝗣𝗲𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗣𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗽𝗹𝗲).
• To keep getting promoted, increase your level of competence.
• For those skills we need to increase our competence for, we overestimate our ability (𝗗𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴-𝗞𝗿𝘂𝗴𝗲𝗿 𝗲𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗰𝘁).
• This prevents us from putting in the effort to improve, which keeps our level of competence, and our career, where it is.

What can you do?

• Take assessments on particular skills required for your role.
• Ask for 360-feedback from your colleagues (anonymous or not). Be open to criticism.
• Question your beliefs about what you know and what you don’t yet know.
• Keep learning.

There is no need to become insecure and doubtful about your abilities. But realize information is power.

And, a few weeks after International Women’s Day, for managers and organisations, I also want to call out the 𝗣𝗮𝘂𝗹𝗮 𝗣𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗰𝗶𝗽𝗹𝗲. It describes how many women in organisations work below their level of competence. Using objective data can help us counter this

So, identify the skills critical for your role and the next. Use data and feedback for an honest assessment, and then, take action.

Your future-you will thank you for it.

Make Your Meetings Great – And Save Time And Energy

Ever wondered why your meetings rarely end before their scheduled end time?

*𝗦𝘂𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗻𝘀𝗲*

*𝗗𝗿𝘂𝗺-𝗿𝗼𝗹𝗹*

Most of us love to talk!

Ok, that probably didn’t come as a surprise.

While talking builds connection, having days full of long calls depletes our energy.

And we’re all busy, sometimes overworked.

We spend so much time in calls,
calls that don’t end when they served their purpose.

They end when the time is up. Or after.

Then we rush to the next one, skipping lunch, feeling stressed.

How can we do this better?

As a team, take ownership of your time and productivity, together.

I created a team agreement for you that can help you.

Give it a try. Let me know how many free hours you gained this month!

See -Free Downloads – for the document.

Leadership Skills AI Cannot Replace

David Buirs | Leadership & Executive Coach

The Leadership Skills AI Will Have a Much Harder Time Replacing

Leadership and executive coach David Buirs, based in Amsterdam, examines which human leadership skills remain hardest for AI to replicate as org structures flatten and management tasks become automated. This article draws on Self-Determination Theory and Gallup’s State of the Global Workplace 2025 research to make the case for connection, curiosity, focused presence, and coaching as the capabilities that will define effective leadership in the years ahead.

The org chart is getting flatter. Here’s why.

A marketing director used to need a team. Someone to run the campaigns. Someone to write the copy. Someone to pull the reports. Someone to manage the tools. Now that same director can work with five AI agents running in parallel. One monitors ad performance and adjusts bids automatically. One drafts content variations for testing. One pulls weekly analytics and flags what needs attention. One manages the posting schedule.

One person. Five autonomous processes. The output of a team.

That’s happening across functions, across industries. Companies need fewer people to get the same work done. The pyramid shrinks.

That changes what leadership actually means.

When AI can measure progress, flag underperformance, schedule 1-on-1s, and generate a status report in seconds, what’s left for a manager to do? Quite a lot, as it turns out. But the nature of the work changes completely.

What remains is almost entirely human.


Connection drives motivation more than most leaders realise.

There’s a well-researched framework in psychology called Self-Determination Theory. It identifies three core drivers of intrinsic motivation: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. That last one matters more than most leaders realise.

Relatedness means feeling genuinely connected to the people around you. To your team. To whoever leads you.

Research consistently shows that people who feel a real connection with their manager are more motivated, more committed, and more willing to go beyond what’s strictly required. People work hard for someone they respect and feel seen by.

An AI can schedule your check-in. Making you feel like someone actually cares about your development is a different thing entirely. That will keep mattering, even as the tools get smarter.


Curiosity means something different when it comes from a person.

A good leader notices things. They pick up on a team member’s tone in a meeting. They sense something is off before anyone says it out loud. That kind of attention comes from genuine interest in people, and it produces questions that land differently.

AI generates questions from patterns in data. That’s useful. But a team member can tell the difference between being genuinely wondered about and being processed. One opens things up. The other closes them down.

Leaders who bring real curiosity to their teams create something no dashboard can: a culture where people feel worth understanding. That’s a harder thing to replace than any technical skill.


We’ve become terrible at focus.

Here’s something that rarely shows up in leadership development programs: the ability to simply be present with someone.

Notifications have made sustained attention rare. Most managers are half-listening in most conversations. They’re physically there, mentally elsewhere. People feel that. It erodes connection faster than almost anything else.

One practice I suggest to the leaders I work with: sit for ten minutes a day doing absolutely nothing. No phone, no podcast, no task. Just sit. It sounds trivial. It trains something the attention economy has been systematically dismantling.

A leader who can genuinely focus on a person, for a full conversation, without drifting, is increasingly unusual. And increasingly valuable.


Coaching is becoming the core job of a leader.

Tracking whether goals are on target, flagging missed deadlines, organising feedback cycles. AI is already doing a lot of this, and will do more. The administrative layer of management is shrinking.

Gallup’s State of the Global Workplace 2025 report, which surveyed nearly a quarter of a million workers across 160 countries, points to three actions organisations can take to reverse the engagement crisis. Coaching is the second. Managers trained in coaching practices saw performance improvements of 20 to 28%, and their teams reported up to 18% higher engagement. You can read the full report on the Gallup website.

What AI cannot yet do is sit across from someone who’s struggling and help them figure out what’s actually going on. Ask the right question at the right moment. Hold space for the answer without filling the silence too quickly.

That’s coaching. And it’s becoming the job, not a nice extra.

As a certified executive coach, I work with senior leaders who want to develop exactly this: a coaching style of leadership that builds trust, draws out ownership, and makes the people around them better. It’s a learnable skill. It takes practice and the right conditions to develop it. Leaders who invest in it now are ahead of a curve that’s moving fast.


This is about the long game.

Some of what feels uniquely human today will look different in five years. Language models are getting better at simulating empathy, curiosity, connection.

But genuine human connection, real curiosity, focused presence, and the ability to coach someone through a hard moment. These will be the last things to go, if they go at all. Building them now makes you a better leader regardless of what the technology does next.

The pyramid is smaller. The people still in it need to be genuinely good at the things machines aren’t, at least not yet.


If you’re an individual leader looking to develop these skills, management coaching or coaching for executives is a logical place to start. For organisations that want to build a coaching culture across their management layer, leadership training is worth a conversation. Plan a free introduction here. Zero obligation.

Why Is Psychological Safety A Game-Changer At Work?

What sets high-performing teams apart?

It’s not just skills or hard work—it’s the climate of trust they operate in, where making mistakes is not a fireable offense but a growth opportunity.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of attending an eye-opening workshop by Gabriele Galassi, organized by the inspiring the D2 collective.

The topic: psychological safety at work.

A standout insight?

Google’s research shows that top teams succeed not because they are smarter, but because there is more psychological safety.

Psychological safety is 𝘢 𝘴𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘧 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘮 𝘪𝘴 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘬-𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨.

Safer to speak up, challenge norms, make mistakes, report errors and give each other tough feedback.

A few more learnings from yesterday I want to share with you:

📌 Having a great variation of nationalities on a team promotes psychological safety.

📌 Team cohesion is another strong predictor of performance. Teams where members are willing and able to establish strong relationships, to listen and feel empathy for each other and to give and take feedback, perform better than regular teams.

📌 In the workplace, we start overvaluing tasks over relationships. Starting the day with a relationship-building exercise over a task-oriented meeting, can have surprisingly beneficial results.

📌 A characteristic of high-performing teams is that members speak roughly in equal measure, keeping contributions short and sweet.

Improving psychological safety and team cohesion is one of the topics I work on with my ambitious leadership development clients.

Do you want to boost your team’s performance too?

Let’s connect!

How To Be Assertive AND Empathetic?

Too hard or too soft? It’s not a pillow question—it’s about leadership style.

An effective leader knows how to combine assertiveness with empathy.

Assertiveness doesn’t mean being harsh; it’s about finding the right balance between passivity and aggression.

Empathy isn’t about just accepting everything – it’s about truly understanding and sharing someone else’s feelings.

A 2500-year-old practice I’ve grown to love for increasing empathy and compassion is ‘Metta’, or ‘loving-kindness’ meditation.

I was skeptical at first, but integrating it into my routine increased my empathy and changed how I connect with others.

How to practice ‘𝗠𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗮’?

𝗙𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗮 𝗤𝘂𝗶𝗲𝘁 𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁: Sit comfortably, close your eyes.

𝗩𝗶𝘀𝘂𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘇𝗲 𝗦𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗼𝗻𝗲 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗖𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗔𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁: Start by picturing your best friend. Wish them health, happiness, and well-being. Connect with these feelings.

𝗘𝘅𝗽𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗦𝗰𝗼𝗽𝗲: Gradually move to someone neutral, like a helpful store clerk, and then to someone you have difficulties with or don’t like.

𝗪𝗶𝘀𝗵 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗺 𝗪𝗲𝗹𝗹: Remember, this isn’t just for them; it’s for enhancing your own emotional powers.

By practicing these steps, you’re strengthening your empathy muscle by creating stronger neural pathways for compassion and empathy in your brain.

Interested in mastering both assertive and empathetic leadership?

Let’s chat about how these skills can transform your approach and help you lead more effectively.